Am I The Only One Feeling Numb?

Seriously, nothing interests me anymore. It seems the novelty of the world has worn off for me. I’m not sure why it would to this degree, but it really has. I’m bored with stuff that I used to be interested in, such as cleaning, reading, painting, drawing, shopping, taking walks, writing (although I’m doing that anyway for the hell of it), and even playing video games. The only thing I absolutely love doing is sleeping. That’s where my life becomes alive. My dreams take me to wonderful places where I don’t have to worry about paying bills, finding a job, being broke, or figuring out to do next with my life.  When I’m sleeping, it’s the one time I’m actually happy. When I’m awake, all I do is look around in disgust at what this world has become. You’d think that the world wouldn’t be this hard, but it is. Most people around me are either broke, suffering in some way, or too overly concerned with themselves to give a damn about others. It’s really, really disgusting. 

I don’t have much faith in humanity to be honest. Most people don’t even want to help out their fellow men or even notice that they aren’t the only people who exist. Government officials definitely have their heads up their asses. Instead of doing their job, which is to protect and serve us, they’re only in it for themselves. I feel like we’re protecting and serving them. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? The rich only care about the rich. Fuck on us POOR PEOPLE. And what about us POOR PEOPLE who are actually trying to get a job and make something of themselves? Ha. It takes about a month just to get a menial job in America, and it pisses me off. I don’t have a month to fucking wait for money when my bills are due. I need money NOW. Get on the ball, people. You should probably make your hiring process a little bit faster for those of us who don’t have endless sources of money coming out of our asses. Seriously, I don’t have time for this shit.

And sometimes when I do ask for help, I get shit for it. It makes me angry. That’s why I’d rather just do everything myself. It’s easier, and I don’t have to deal with people. Unfortunately, I don’t have that luxury right now. It’s hard to get started once you’ve completely moved out of your parents’ house. You start off broker than broke, and then it takes forever to get back on your feet because no one wants to really hire you unless THEY HAVE TO. I mean, I understand where the businesses are coming from, really. That’s money out of their pockets that they already have to spend on whatever benefit packages they have for these new hires. Also, with Obamacare being required for full-time employees, it doesn’t make it any easier for a company to want to hire. No one is going to hire you full-time unless they have money coming out of their asses. The only people I know who have THAT do are government officials, hugeass corporations like Fucking Wal-Mart; Target; and Gamestop (or as I call it Lamestop), and rich celebrities. By the way, these corporations treat their workers like shit. I have friends that work at these places, and I’ve heard their stories. My friends are struggling right with me, and it really sucks that they have to struggle like this. We work really hard, and for what? I swear, we get up; work; try to pay bills; and sleep. Is that really the point to life? 

So, after I spent four years in college thinking I’d be able to use this damn degree for something more, I find myself three years later still frustrated that I can’t find something that pays more than $10/hr. I feel like I just wasted my time at school, really. At least, I sometimes feel that way. I’m glad to have an education, but does it have to cost so fucking much? I’m still dealing with at least $15,000 in debt after paying at least $3,000 per year for the last two years. I would have liked to be over and done with this stupid debt in five years, but OBVIOUSLY, that isn’t going to happen. I know the numbers may seem small for most people, but I am one of those people who hates owing people. It makes me feel like a slave, and a slave is the opposite of what I’d like to be. 

Honestly, I am ready to sing Christmas Carols on the side of the road IN FEBRUARY just to get a few pennies a day. And… I can’t sing to save my life. Literally. If nothing else, I’d be so amusing that people would throw money at me. Hey, I’m desperate enough. What the hell?

Xara Nahara O’Connor


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I am a graduate of the University of Mount Union. I work for ResCare HomeCare as a direct support professional. I was a psychology major and am hoping to get a master's degree in Business Administration with a concentration on healthcare... Somewhere. I am still interested in English and theatre. Writing had always been one of my passions until recently. It takes too much time and effort, which is why I just draw comics now. Believe it or not, drawing comics is easier for me to express myself than writing. I also love animals. When I am not working hard on whatever project I happen to have my hands on, I am at home playing with my animals. I live with two cats named Garfield and Oreo. I also love to listen to all kinds of music, such as The Birthday Massacre, Emilie Autumn, The Cruxshadows, The Cranberries, Celldweller, Emperor, R.E.M., Future Funk Squad, Symphony X, Einherjer, Borknagar, and Nightwish. And I'm married. But don't tell the government. They suck the fun out of it.

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23 thoughts on “Am I The Only One Feeling Numb?”

  1. That sounds like clinical depression, normally caused as a result of an accumulation of shock and traumatic events that never were dealt with, Maybe it was set aside so others could deal with theirs or shrugged off because one feels they are over reacting.

    1. Basically, yeah, but it’s never been diagnosed. I’m sure that once my financial situation gets better, I’ll be more able to deal with whatever is going through my head. Also, you’re right. I am much more concerned about other people than I am with myself, which is why I try to shrug off my depression. Besides, I’m tired of getting told I’m overreacting, which is another reason I just deal with it on my own. I took four years of psychology in college, so I have more coping skills in terms of dealing with it than most people do (not to sound better than anyone else).

  2. I know that I am an Empath indeed. I feel for other people more than I do myself, really. Although being super broke and trying to fight my way through the job market isn’t helping my spirits much, either.

  3. You’re right about the callousness of corporations and the ever-deepening hole in which even the middle class now finds itself. However, universal healthcare is a right, not a privilege. People squeal about being taxed by government yet cough up thousands every year in health insurance that doesn’t really cover them and think that they are in control of their health. A social conscience is not socialism, socialism is not fascism. Humanity is not weakness. XXX

    1. Yeah, you have a point. But the corporations that hand out these insurance packages do not see it that way. They never cover fully what their employees need for their health. I am fully okay with paying for others to be healthy, which is why I haven’t paid much mind to “paying too much for health insurance.” I know damn well it isn’t just for me. I’m a healthy 26-year-old who could easily walk for hours without eating and have basically no physical problems at all. Of course, I know that if I were just paying for myself, it would be next to nothing.

  4. Firstly, people’s understanding of themselves and their feelings is influenced by their social and cultural standpoints, their unique situations, and their worldly interests.

    Secondly, people are at various stages of continued development and therefore, they never exactly understand existential dimensions of human beings as they progress and make efforts to reach them.

    Thus, if a human being wants to define human dimensions, features and virtues, his definition will be limited or biased to some extent. This leads to a multiplicity of definitions of humanness which causes a human being’s goals and purposes to go into a halo of imaginations.

  5. All too true. I feel like humans are just sponges of their environment and must make choices on how to react. ::nods::

    True. Nothing remains the same within people, so communication may be harder to attain. Trying to explain everything to everyone is a real feat, so I try to keep it simple. Unfortunately, I am not a simple person by any means, so I’ve numbed a lot of my feelings as to not overwhelm others.

    Your third paragraph outlines the problem psychology faces today. We will always be limited by our bias to some point because we can all relate to it and already have pre-made opinions about the subject. You can be as unbiased as you like, but your experiences will make you personally think one theory over another. It is much harder to break down human existence than it is for other sciences, methinks. But we still must keep trying.

  6. Dear Xara;
    Science does not really understand depression. Karen Horney said (paraphrase): No matter how we try we can never get to the First (Basic) Anxiety.
    I won’t explain that (I could). You should as a student, know what she meant. However, the first Anxiety is (in every case) merely this two ingredients;
    A) an external occurrence which
    B)invoked a internal innate (state)
    IE Something we all bring to the table is invoked by the external occurrence. This means that to locate the First Anxiety is meant locating the trigger, but that having been done, does not complete the circle. Man would still find a enigma, a puzzle. (I’m trying to keep this short)..
    Sadly the “Analyst” would still insist that something indecipherable is still beyond reach, assuming that something incommunicable, requiring the infant’s limited (or none) vocabulary, IE unworkable, lacking in equation.
    Mankind must have it like this, this is the way they want it. Because this loans credibility to man’s plight, his significance. I could say so much more, but don’t like writing posts on people’s comment sections.
    Force yourself to visit my Blog. I have answers (sounds like boasting, I know). Visit my about page first (suggestion). Look up “The void in man”, and more (I quit hereabouts). But I feel for you and many like you, in your situation. Understand the happiness only in dream thing. Can relate.

  7. Aah ! I have written a lot about it. I am on Quora -a Question and answer platform where I have written in my bio – if anyone feels suicidal, they can reach out to me. I am doing my bit to help others what I expected in the worst phase of my life from my own loved ones.
    You will come out of this stronger. Remember, only those who are emotional strong, care for others suffer from depression.
    Venting it out through a blog is a fantastic approach, but then you need a human response too to tell you that you are fine and not just likes.

  8. I have discovered people are too busy and sometimes too self absorbed to do anything for anyone else. Somehow it has gotten to this point. It’s a true shame that there is such a fear of making new connections too. It seems like technology has made things better and worse at the same time.

    1. That’s the damn truth. And it gets worse EVERY DAY! And so does my social anxiety. Yep. Technology is a double-edged sword. I have been dealing with this issue for over 10 years now.

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