The World Isn’t Ready For What I Want To Say – A Speculation Of What Happens Within The Mind Of A Borderline Genius

In my head, my thoughts are endless. They surely aren’t in comprehensible sentences, and speaking of them in a verbal manner is a huge mess. Just sounds come out that seem ever so nonsensical to me and everyone else around me. I wonder if every genius (or in my case borderline genius (a whopping IQ of 120)) feels like I do. I wonder if he doubts his self-importance every time he turns around, just like I do, every daunting second of my day. Not like there is any way to communicate these thoughts, because language is limited. Boy have I heard that through every single English class I have ever taken in college. I have always known that truth, even before they uttered it in the classroom full of my Neanderthal classmates (a select few were geniuses, but how I hated them all and how easy they made it seem to communicate their thoughts while my tongue was stuck babbling only a whopping tenth of what I was truly thinking). I was BORN knowing it. I lived a life of this lack of ability to communicate every single strand of thought in my ever so complicated mind (causing a crippling loneliness that I alone understand in my mind, reminding me of how poorly I fit in with ANYONE). And how I still struggle to communicate, even after four years of college learning English, psychology, and theatre. These are the CORE disciplines of humanity, and I still am not fully able to participate in the discourse of humanity.

I am stuck between this accursed limbo of Neanderthals and true geniuses. Neanderthals infuriate me with their lack of understanding basically anything, how I grit my teeth trying to explain even the simplest concept. Thank Goodness Teague’s Paradox runs through my mind whenever I deal with these lower life forms: “Nothing is so simple that it cannot be misunderstood.” Meanwhile, in the company of *true* geniuses, I find myself the Neanderthal, and I empathize with their frustration. No way that I could ever begin to understand the workings of their minds. How I desire it more than life itself, and even love I am afraid. Such is a fault, really. I am in love with discovering what lies within the minds of geniuses, my true love. I understand that such knowledge cannot be explained through language, especially the limited written language. How can I begin to show the world what lies in their minds, and even my own? I would of course try to explain the more important (and I assume clearer) contents of their minds before adding my two cents into the discourse of the truth that lies within their minds.

As I continue to attempt to formulate ideas of what I am attempting (rather poorly) to communicate, all I am getting are images and sounds. I’ll be damned if my thoughts could be clear. I am too concerned with worrying about the consequences of what would happen if I were to dump the entire contents of my mind onto this blank piece of cyberspace. Maybe my gifts would be exploited, and then I would have nothing left that is truly my own. Perhaps that is why I would still be apprehensive about sharing the contents of the mind of a *true* genius. Again, I believe that I empathize with them well. Perhaps they would like their thoughts to be private, as I would for mine. But there is still that desire to know and share how glorious I think these workings truly are. Unfortunately, when I love something so deeply, I want to share it. I want others to feel the joy that I do when I love something.

(Maybe I should have changed the title of this blog entry to, “I’m Not Ready To Share What I Want To Say With The World.” Then I would have written in this large space, “Because my thoughts are not clear enough to share, whether through spoken or written language. And how the hell can you share images and the five senses with someone else?”) If only my mind were that simple. Again, my mind is riding the fine line between Neanderthal and Genius. I guess I am just trying to figure out how to be the best at what I am good at and am trying to figure out how I can help society progress (in a small or large way, in any way at all).

So yeah, Al (my boyfriend’s code name) is right. Maybe I don’t hate people as much as I claim to. Maybe I should never say that I do ever again, even if I am speaking the exact opposite of what I am thinking. Maybe I wish I could say that I truly love people without feeling like I am going to exploited or disappointed. (I’m still trying to figure out how I share my love with everyone without being selfish or hated.) There are too many people that don’t love people, especially in this society. Please tell me that the future of humanity is not to hate each other more than we ever did in the past, although I fear it is. In fact, society is so backwards that I find myself more confused (and frustrated) with each day that I live. (I couldn’t speculate on other societies that live in other parts of the world. I know people that can, and from what I have heard, people get along slightly better in this other societies than we do here in America. That is all of the knowledge I possess on this part of the subject.)

I guess all I can do is keep trying (to improve), no matter how fruitless it may seem sometimes. If only I had better control of the thoughts (whether spoken, sensed, or written, or otherwise) that run through my head constantly. If only I did not feel like I was arguing with myself on a constant basis (especially lately). Perhaps if these conditions were met, then my relationships with people would be better. I keep asking myself why I care so much about these things, really. Is that because I was brainwashed to be this way, or because humans are biologically pack animals? Do I care because that’s the core of whom I am (if so, I can’t even begin to speculate why), or is it because it is expected of me?

Xara Nahara O’Connor

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xaranahara

I am a graduate of the University of Mount Union. I work for ResCare HomeCare as an attendant. I was a psychology major. I am still interested in English and theatre. Writing has always been one of my passions, and such is why I decided to create this blog. I also love animals. When I am not working hard on whatever project I happen to have my hands on, I am at home playing with my animals. I live with two cats named Garfield and Oreo. I also love to listen to all kinds of music, such as The Birthday Massacre, Emilie Autumn, The Cruxshadows, The Cranberries, Celldweller, Emperor, R.E.M., Future Funk Squad, Symphony X, Einherjer, and Nightwish. Oh, and as of October 15, 2015, I'm engaged. I plan to get married on October 31, 2017.

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12 thoughts on “The World Isn’t Ready For What I Want To Say – A Speculation Of What Happens Within The Mind Of A Borderline Genius”

  1. Beautyful ….
    I feel it …as i ve wrote it …
    Hey Xara …let not this materialistic,hedonist, selfish world change or corrupt …preserve yourself …ppl r rare like ..
    You are like indangered specie …
    I am worry about you
    Trust me

    1. Thank you. You have written similar material. I remember, especially regarding men and women being equal but not the same. Also, your blog on the new world order versus the just world order is very, very closely related to what I said here. I feel that you are less selfish than I am, though. I have days where my mind explodes, and I won’t know where it goes until it ends.

      Yeah, I do feel like I fight the world, and as I look around, I’m not the only one who feels this way. And yeah, I went through a bit of trouble preserving myself a bit after writing this article. I’m slowly coming back to the self who wrote this article. I pray that you never lose yourself as much as I did. I suppose that there is cause for worry this time, but my 100 percent old self would have been offended if you worried about me. I am not the type who wants others to worry about her because I know that others have their own problems that I feel are more important.

      Thank you, again, Imran. You truly are a kind soul.

    2. Thank you very much for your concern. I wholeheartedly appreciate it. And yeah, I usually do the right thing, so I’m not worried about that. I hope that you continue to be outspoken as well.

  2. And whenever you give your word, say the truth [al-An’aam 6:152]

    And seek help in patience and prayer [al-Baqarah 2:45]

    And speak good to people [al-Baqarah 2:83]

    And fulfil the Covenant of Allaah when you have covenanted [al-Nahl 16:91]

    Verily! Allaah commands that you should render back the trusts to those to whom they are due [al-Nisa’ 4:58]

    And let not your hand be tied (like a miser) to your neck, nor stretch it forth to its utmost reach (like a spendthrift) [al-Isra’ 17:29]

    Eat and drink, but waste not by extravagance [al-A’raaf 7:31]

    And take a provision (with you) for the journey, but the best provision is al-taqwa (piety, righteousness) [al-Baqarah 2:197]

    And whosoever fears Allaah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty) [al-Talaaq 65:2]

    And whosoever puts his trust in Allaah, then He will suffice him [al-Talaaq 65:3]

    He who obeys the Messenger has indeed obeyed Allaah [al-Nisa’ 4:80]

    By no means shall you attain al-birr (righteousness) until you spend (in Allaah’s cause) of that which you love [Aal ‘Imraan 3:92]

    Allaah (Alone) is Sufficient for us, and He is the Best Disposer of Affairs (for us) [Aal ‘Imraan 3:171]

    And walk not on the earth with conceit and arrogance [al-Isra’ 17:37]

    And turn not your face away from men with pride [Luqmaan 31:18]

    And be moderate (or show no arrogance) in your walking, and lower your voice [Luqmaan 31:19]

    And give not a thing in order to have more (or consider not your deeds of obedience to Allaah as a favour to Allaah) [al-Muddaththir 74:6]

    “O ye who believe! Do not squander one another’s wealth in vanities, but let there be amongst you traffic and trade by mutual good will.” Qur’an:4:29

    “When my servants ask thee (O, Muhammad) concerning Me, tell them I am indeed close (to them). I listen to the prayer of every suppliant when he calleth on Me.” Qur’an:2:186

    “God does not forbid you to be kind and equitable to those who have neither fought against your faith nor driven you out of your homes. In fact God loves the equitable.” Qur’an:60:8

    “And in their (the earlier prophets) footsteps We sent Jesus the son o Mary, confirming the law that had come before him. We sent him the Gospel, therein was guidance and light and confirmation of the law that had come before him, a guidance and an admonition to those who fear God.” Qur’an:5:46

    “Whoever recommends and helps a good cause becomes a partner therein, and whoever recommends and helps an evil cause shares in its burdens” Qur’an:4:85

    “Be quick in the race for forgiveness from your Lord, and for a Garden (paradise) whose width is that of the heavens and of the earth, prepared for the righteous – Those who spend (freely), whether in prosperity or in adversity, who restrain (their) anger and pardon (all) men – for God loves those who do good.” Qur’an:3:133-134
    “Whoever works righteousness, man or woman, and has faith, verily, to them will We give a new Life, a life that is good and pure, and We will bestow on such their reward according to the best of their actions.” Qur’an:16:97

    The parable of those who spend their wealth in the way of God is that of a grain that sprouts into seven ears, each bearing one hundred grains. God gives manifold increase to whom He wishes. God has boundless knowledge. Those who spend their wealth in the cause of God, and do not follow their charity with reminders of their generosity or injure the feeling of the recipient, shall get their reward from their Lord; they shall have nothing to fear or to regret.Kind words and forgiveness are better than charity followed by injury. Qur’an:2:261-263

      1. This is Almigty God commanments
        the God of Adam, Noah, Abraham, Moses, David Solomon, Jesus and Muhammad
        peace n blessing be upon them all …yes v r entitlied to practice

    1. Even including Christians, Jews, and Muslims. Unfortunately, it seems that those three are not getting the respect that they deserve in this society. They used to be looked up to, and now it’s the opposite. Crazy how that works.

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