Stream of Conscious

Today, I feel like Benson from Regular Show. There was the episode where Pops told Benson not to yell at Mordecai and Rigby, no matter how annoying they were. Benson did what Pops told him to do because he did not want to get fired. But Benson just felt his rage building and building and building. And when Pops saw how red Benson’s face was getting, he allowed Benson to release his rage. Thank Goodness Skips told Pops that Benson holding all of that rage was extremely unhealthy.

I more and more feel like Benson. I am much less expressive than I used to be. It gets to the point where I am trapped inside of myself and feel there is no fucking way out. When I feel extremely stressed, I literally shut down. I fear I may elicit the wrong response so much that I barely respond at all. Of course, sometimes I melt down, too, but that is much rarer. I only melt down when I literally cannot hold it in any longer. It takes a lot for me to melt down. It doesn’t seem like it, but believe me, I have been through a lot. I maintained pretty well until my credit was fucked last year and until my oldest aunt died in March 2014 (my closure didn’t come until November 2015, right before Thanksgiving) and until my mother blew up at me for spending too much money on a credit card (I didn’t have any goddamn money because I had to wait a fucking month for a paycheck while still owing a shit ton on student loans. And did I spend all that money on myself? Fuck no. I am a giving person.) Needless to say, I was a wreck. A very fucking angry wreck at that. And I complained about legitimate things. Let’s be honest. Things seemed pretty shitty. I had a bit of support, but like my ex-boyfriend said, “If the sun shines, you have friends, but if it rains, your friends leave you.” That is exactly the shit that happened to me.

I apologize for bringing up the past, but I needed a confidant, a.k.a WordPress. I needed my Benson blow-up moment. At least I am doing it in a more civilized way because I am not that angry. I am going through a slight panic attack, though. My panic attacks have gotten so stupid that I don’t want to tell anyone about them any fucking more. I tried talking to people for the first year they started, buuuuut that has gotten me in more trouble than it is worth talking about. I have scared the shit out of people to the point where I isolate myself so they can move on and not suffer from my (albeit completely accidental) bullshit. And I have totally beyond pissed off my fiancรฉ. I don’t want to repeat his reactions. And yeah, he understands my panic attacks. (He gets them on occasion, but his are more understandable and manageable). He isn’t directly angry with me. He is just frustrated that I don’t have them under control. He has more belief than I do when it comes to these things. He has told me countless suggestions, which is the main reason I have not been committed anywhere.

I am lucky to have my fiancรฉ. He is very sweet. He is playing Team Fortress 2 right now. I will make him a bowl of ice cream soon.

Thank you for reading (or doing a Too Long; Didn’t Read). I apologize to my followers for flooding your E-mail inboxes with this bullshit, but I had to let some steam out. Thank you again.

Xara Nahara O’Connor


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I am a graduate of the University of Mount Union. I work for ResCare HomeCare as a direct support professional. I was a psychology major and am hoping to get a master's degree in Business Administration with a concentration on healthcare... Somewhere. I am still interested in English and theatre. Writing had always been one of my passions until recently. It takes too much time and effort, which is why I just draw comics now. Believe it or not, drawing comics is easier for me to express myself than writing. I also love animals. When I am not working hard on whatever project I happen to have my hands on, I am at home playing with my animals. I live with two cats named Garfield and Oreo. I also love to listen to all kinds of music, such as The Birthday Massacre, Emilie Autumn, The Cruxshadows, The Cranberries, Celldweller, Emperor, R.E.M., Future Funk Squad, Symphony X, Einherjer, Borknagar, and Nightwish. And I'm married. But don't tell the government. They suck the fun out of it.

Categories Uncategorized18 Comments

18 thoughts on “Stream of Conscious”

  1. I don’t mind listening to you, we all rant in one way or another and it’s necessary. Remember as well that sometimes we are fooled by those who appear to be in control. The great thing about your post was that you ended with a note of gratitude. This will surely bring you brighter days ahead ๐Ÿ™‚ Chevvy

    1. Thank you, Chevvy. You are also spot on. You are a beautiful flower among many of my intelligent followers. I must always thank the people around me who help me. I must never forget anyone.

      1. Thank you my dear and for re blogging my poem. I wish you the best over the holiday period since I’ll now be taking a break from my blog. Thank you so much for your support. Best. Chevvy

  2. As to Panic attacks, they are relative to the Void within. We all come into life with it. external occurrences tend to invoke that Void, elicit the intuition of it. It tells of a very horrible designation which we must strive to change. Another thing; When my anxiety attacks grew the most severe, it turned out that certain chemicals I partook of, made me more susceptible to the external circumstances associative Void invocations. I have to commend you as a writer. You have a great deal of potential. You’re on the right track. Your affection is appreciative of those who accept and wish to help you (… cream), that too will assist in your usefulness to your fellow man. Nice visit here, for me, thank you.

      1. Well I get anxious a lot especially when bartending big events. I get flustered and have a borderline attack. I have tried working out prior but it has been mixed depending on the event. But if you are stressed or anxious, let alone just want to improve I have 2 categories that are simple starts. Just start at the beginning or you will be really sore.:)

  3. Hope you’re feeling more optimistic now that 2016 is underway. Thanks for the follow on my travel blog. I’ve followed you in return. I was drawn to this post because of the title and now that I’ve read it, I thought you might like the fact that you could have called it ‘Steam of Conscious’. Always helps to let off a bit of steam.

    1. Actually, yes. I do feel more optimistic this year than I did last year. And yeah, your blog is cool. I liked the one about how Syria and how nice it was BEFORE all of this mess started.

      Steam of Consciousness is funny. I will use that title next time.

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