Thoughts on Overdrive

It seems my mind is running to Cambodia and back, and yes, I am an American. They cross the Pacific Ocean. They cross the Atlantic Ocean. They come here. They go there. Some are good. Some are bad. They fly so fast that I can’t catch them.

The general consensus is that I usually feel misunderstood. I feel like I am wrong more than I am right. At least that’s what others tell me, or used to tell me. Maybe that’s what my depression tells me. Things hurt more than they should. Maybe it’s from years of pretending I was invincible. It was my only saving grace from my social anxiety. But I am an ambivert, not a true introvert. I need to be needed, I guess. That is my conclusion.

I give up on being “even-keeled” or whatever. Naturally, I am not that way. And why live in a world where I can’t be myself? It would make me miserable. I was happiest when I was myself, 100 percent. Now I feel sort of uncomfortable with the “socialized” me. I walk on egg-shells sometimes around others. I guess that is from an extended period of time where I was getting blown up at whenever I breathed wrong. Or being on the wrong side of an argument or being misunderstood. Emotional and Mental abuse are bitches.

I guess I am craving a sense of belonging in this world. I guess I need others to depend on me. I guess I need to be perfect to be happy. When I had the words to say, I was happy. When I felt creative, I was happy. When I could turn a sow’s ear into silk, I was happy. Now I run out of energy, but I am slowly getting it back.

I guess I will learn that my mood swings will pass. Sorry, my thoughts are zig zagging again. I guess I am craving understanding without judgment. I know I am not alone, but I feel lonely in this endeavor.

Xara Nahara O’Connor

 

 

 

 

 

 

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xaranahara

I am a graduate of the University of Mount Union. I work for ResCare HomeCare as an attendant. I was a psychology major. I am still interested in English and theatre. Writing has always been one of my passions, and such is why I decided to create this blog. I also love animals. When I am not working hard on whatever project I happen to have my hands on, I am at home playing with my animals. I live with two cats named Garfield and Oreo. I also love to listen to all kinds of music, such as The Birthday Massacre, Emilie Autumn, The Cruxshadows, The Cranberries, Celldweller, Emperor, R.E.M., Future Funk Squad, Symphony X, Einherjer, and Nightwish. Oh, and as of October 15, 2015, I'm engaged. I plan to get married on October 31, 2017.

Categories Uncategorized15 Comments

15 thoughts on “Thoughts on Overdrive”

  1. You’re good (as in ‘sall good). Keep being honest, no, not for to go on a crusade, ’cause that would be pedestrian. But respond, yes, respond, because people themselves are just role playing to accumulate and Identify with value, just like the rest of us. However, there is a problem about going along with the social thing. And it is a “two sided” coin, IE no matter how you respond “they (social strata) are defining you”; giving you structure, configuration, a cross to bear, a crusade. This culminates in one thing alone; “Voidal”. It is all drawing drive from the Void. Attempting to fill it. Just put in the Void that which has been disinherited from it; God, His Life. I say that with Love, dear. Start on that journey. I can imagine that you have some resentment perhaps, having wanted God to work things out your way, according to your concepts “right and wrong”. Cool. But remember God is the true source of Life, this that we go through and experience, isn’t life. With God what everyone needs is Direction, resource, a center, and that’s precisely what we get when we ask Him to come and fill the Void. Purpose, and true Value, His Spirit within. Thank you for such a beautiful and Sincere Post. Love your frankness, feel your pain and struggle. Sincerely; MAO

      1. I can sympathize with that. The religious institution is failing because of the social structure within it. A lot of disempowering is taking place directed at the body of parishioners. Churches for the most part morph into a entity which is not what God intended.

      2. But no doubt I don’t like obligation to congregate with folks, unconsciously we all tend to find a role and stick to it which we consistently portray in the presence of the existing body of players.

  2. I think, I am writing, few people reading what i write. That’s enough. You are my blessing… you reading me, that’s enough to hold me for some good time. after all we all are fragments… you and me. take care.

  3. I think the desire to belong and to feel that others need and want us is universal. Some people have fulfilled these goals but are unable to see or feel their success. It’s frustrating and painful…

  4. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to be yourself coz as rightly mentioned it can only make you happy! Though, as you’ve experienced not everyone approves of how you choose to be happy and their disapproval and judgement can upset you. One thing I’ve learnt is happiness and security is something one should never depend on others to give them. Coz most often you wont get it. Try and be content with yourself. Be there for people who need you and if no one needs you, need yourself, tend to yourself and find happiness within. This is what I strive to do everyday! I try not to expect or depend on anyone. It’s just easier this way even if it isn’t the most ideal.

  5. You feel lonely because you are lonely. We all are lonely in a way or another even if we have a lot of people around us. This is life!
    Sometimes stinks 😦

  6. Tell me about it, Monica. My company leaves me high and dry when it comes to dealing with stressed out family members. Once again, I have to come up with a solution… Mine is to go over these office workers’ heads and go to the county.

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