My Top Five Faults (And How I compensate)

Before I begin this post, I will admit that I have MORE than five things wrong with me. In fact, if I were to list them all, then it would be a novel. Let’s spare the poor readers of that drama. No one wants to read that shit anyway. Anyhow, without further ado….

5.)  I’m Forgetful – While I can remember what happened in detail on most days, I forget to do chores, work duties, or God Forbid COMMUNICATE!!!! I know I have eons of things to do and eons of people that I should be communicating with at this moment, but I forget what order I’m supposed to do all of this in, exactly.

4.) I Lack Motivation – Even the carrot on the stick thing isn’t working out for me very well. I am definitely struggling to improve my motivation and to delete this fault altogether. At least I’m motivated to keep going on this list… next….

3.) I Am Not Trusting – I could write an entire post about this one, m’dears. But I’ll spare you the melodrama. I’ll give you a synopsis. The people I spent my youthful years around barely stay by me now. They also have backstabbed me, deceived me, and also failed to uphold their promises. I’m also not very open to strangers (or anyone that much anymore). I’ve had my heart broken into a million pieces. It’s a surprise I even have one anymore. It’s more like a organ that pumps blood, but I am working on pumping my blood for others as opposed to myself.

2.) I Procrastinate. Big Time. – I should be baking right now, but my Betty Crocker Spirit isn’t with me right now. Maybe some tunes in the kitchen would help. 🙂 But seriously, I put off almost everything, which is why even the simplest things seem like mountains of work to do.

And…
::drum roll please::

1.) I am extremely defensive and emotional. This probably comes from being punished too many times as a child and having wrathful parents. Don’t get me wrong. They have improved dramatically over time, but when I was a kid, holy crap… But anyway, my small amount of autism has a large part to do with it, too. Sorry, everyone. Also, I’m mistrusting, so again, I’m ready to defend my life at any given moment. I’ve sort of turned into a survivalist. Maybe from years of being a loner? I guess stress has finally caught up to me. I honestly don’t believe I’ll rid of this trait. It’s damning, but it’s so deeply ingrained. I’m also a perfectionist, so it doesn’t help matters. And that comes from not wanting to be in trouble with anyone.

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So, to the fun, positive part of this entry… the way I compensate for these damnable faults.

5.) How to Not Be Forgetful – I write things down, usually. I think about them on a loop when the information comes to me. I try to get things done right away so that they can be out of my task bar, so to say. I also try to match a memory to whatever it is I am trying to remember.

4.) How to Be Motivated – I think of ways that will benefit others when I do the things I need to do. I think about how others are affected over myself. Nothing affects me, so I think of others. I have an outward approach to doing things. I want to make sure other people are happy because it’s a hell of a task for me to be. I focus on what is easier for me to do… make people happy. Maybe this is not the best way to go about things because then I become a people-pleaser (that’s flaw number 6 I never talked about here). But it’s a start. Like I said, I’m working on being self-motivated like I used to be.

3.) How to be More Trusting – Ha! Let’s talk about how I depend on myself for a lot of things, especially emotionally. Or maybe I could look to my right and see my fiancé, who is single-handedly being the most trustworthy and helpful person I’ve ever met. He kicks the shit out of what most of my family has done for me. I have a stepfather I trust with my life, too. He has never let me down. I can’t say that for many others.

2.) How to Not Procrastinate – I push myself very hard to get things done and tell myself that these things are urgent. I’m also trying not to be human, but that isn’t working so well. Moving on so that I can STOP procrastinating…

And….
How To Compensate for Being Defensive and Emotional

1.) That is the question…. hmmm… I guess that I know that they are criticizing my actions, words, and quality of work… not me as a person… I should hope. I guess that their criticism is more about themselves than it is about me. I also have become emotionally-distant as a way to (incorrectly) compensate for my emotional personality or whatever. Or maybe I think about how my emotions affect others and curb them until I am alone. When I am alone, then I release them… like a ball of stress. I’ll do this for the rest of my life, I guess.

Anyhow, thank you for reading through this long list of my faults. I must also give recognition to @robertmgoldstein for inspiring this post. Thank you again.

Xara Nahara O’Connor