Feeling Rotten

So, I relapsed into a depression again. Let me be honest. As much as I work and take care of the elderly and try my best to make others happy, I still feel like a rotten person. I get so angry sometimes that I lash out and yell really mean things. It isn’t like anyone did anything wrong, but I still sometimes take out my frustrations on them. I don’t feel like a good person at all. I feel like a person who can never just get it all correct. I have had two great days at work, but I still feel very terrible inside. I feel like I get too carried away with what I am doing and may forget to consider others. I want to have all my nerds met, but I don’t know how to reach out to my friends and have everything as it once was. I don’t even know how to get my sexual needs met because I get too excited and get told I have no self-control and make my fiancé mad at me (sometimes, too often for my liking). I just took out my frustration out on my fiancé and told him to go away and get out of my sight. When I did that, for a reason unknown to me, I felt so bad for him. I tried to imagine how he felt, and I just felt HORRIBLE. There was no reason for me to yell at him like that, so as soon as I calmed down, I went to immediately apologize to him. He forgave me, but I have not entirely forgiven myself for how I have been acting lately. I just wish I were a better person. I know better, but I still feel rotten inside.

Xara Nahara O’Connor



Published by:


I am a graduate of the University of Mount Union. I work for ResCare HomeCare as a direct support professional. I was a psychology major and am hoping to get a master's degree in Business Administration with a concentration on healthcare... Somewhere. I am still interested in English and theatre. Writing had always been one of my passions until recently. It takes too much time and effort, which is why I just draw comics now. Believe it or not, drawing comics is easier for me to express myself than writing. I also love animals. When I am not working hard on whatever project I happen to have my hands on, I am at home playing with my animals. I live with two cats named Garfield and Oreo. I also love to listen to all kinds of music, such as The Birthday Massacre, Emilie Autumn, The Cruxshadows, The Cranberries, Celldweller, Emperor, R.E.M., Future Funk Squad, Symphony X, Einherjer, Borknagar, and Nightwish. And I'm married. But don't tell the government. They suck the fun out of it.

Categories Uncategorized6 Comments

6 thoughts on “Feeling Rotten”

  1. Dear it really terrible when we act without much self awareness or compulsion. I can imagine how you feel afterwords. I had gone thorough all this. Sending my blessing and love. Hope everything will change and you will become calm and peaceful. Please write when ever you feel to do so. I always want to know how you doing? God bless.

    1. Thank you, binucherian. Greatly appreciated. And I apologized several times because I normally don’t burst out for no reason. Usually, I have a reason, but this time, I didn’t. Poor thing

  2. Well at least you recognize that you are doing this…now to figure out why. Practice this for awhile, before you speak, at any time, count to 5, think about the words you want to say, decide if they are appropriate and if you think they are then say them. Speak to others as you would want to be spoken to and that should be with respect. Words, once said, cannot be taken back, and often the hurt can linger…so be careful who you slice with your words…don’t hurt the ones you love most!! xo

    1. You’re right, but I am a true, raw emotional person. But I haven’t yelled at anyone since. I was PMSing, little did I know. And he forgave me. He has been so good lately.

      1. Yeah it’s tough not to lash out when PMSing but try to discipline yourself. He deserves some special treat then!! What does he love, besides you? Is there some special food you could make for him? 🙂

  3. I bought him cupcakes, and usually, I have TONS of self control. But for a while, my buttons were being pushed. I act that way when I feel I don’t make people happy or when I feel like the world is against me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s