So, I relapsed into a depression again. Let me be honest. As much as I work and take care of the elderly and try my best to make others happy, I still feel like a rotten person. I get so angry sometimes that I lash out and yell really mean things. It isn’t like anyone did anything wrong, but I still sometimes take out my frustrations on them. I don’t feel like a good person at all. I feel like a person who can never just get it all correct. I have had two great days at work, but I still feel very terrible inside. I feel like I get too carried away with what I am doing and may forget to consider others. I want to have all my nerds met, but I don’t know how to reach out to my friends and have everything as it once was. I don’t even know how to get my sexual needs met because I get too excited and get told I have no self-control and make my fiancé mad at me (sometimes, too often for my liking). I just took out my frustration out on my fiancé and told him to go away and get out of my sight. When I did that, for a reason unknown to me, I felt so bad for him. I tried to imagine how he felt, and I just felt HORRIBLE. There was no reason for me to yell at him like that, so as soon as I calmed down, I went to immediately apologize to him. He forgave me, but I have not entirely forgiven myself for how I have been acting lately. I just wish I were a better person. I know better, but I still feel rotten inside.
Xara Nahara O’Connor