Lamenting My Own Death

Ten years later, I find myself a mere shadow of whom I was before
I no longer have passion
I no longer have any cares
I no longer have an outlet to express myself fully
Restrictions I feel everywhere
Too many rules to count
Isn’t it too early for me to die this way?

Ten years later, I no longer look forward to living another day
Every day feels the same,
Hopeless to be myself
Hopelessly slaving away to please others
Too late!
I already died inside
When will others see that I am dead inside?
When will I become fully alive like I once was before?
When will things become the way they used to be?
When there was an iota of joy on my peers’ faces?

Is it just me?
Or is everything dead around me?
I’ve turned into a zombie like everyone else,
I’ve been programmed into someone I’m not familiar with
Everything about me is different than before
Isn’t horrifying that the real you is locked inside while the programmed you is the one who interacts with everyone else?

I wake up to these feelings every morning
Been doing this for over a year now
I’ve heard of people going through this for years
I just hope I’m not one of them

Xara Nahara O’Connor


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I am a graduate of the University of Mount Union. I work for ResCare HomeCare as a direct support professional. I was a psychology major and am hoping to get a master's degree in Business Administration with a concentration on healthcare... Somewhere. I am still interested in English and theatre. Writing had always been one of my passions until recently. It takes too much time and effort, which is why I just draw comics now. Believe it or not, drawing comics is easier for me to express myself than writing. I also love animals. When I am not working hard on whatever project I happen to have my hands on, I am at home playing with my animals. I live with two cats named Garfield and Oreo. I also love to listen to all kinds of music, such as The Birthday Massacre, Emilie Autumn, The Cruxshadows, The Cranberries, Celldweller, Emperor, R.E.M., Future Funk Squad, Symphony X, Einherjer, Borknagar, and Nightwish. And I'm married. But don't tell the government. They suck the fun out of it.

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12 thoughts on “Lamenting My Own Death”

  1. I hope you realize how great that you are. I know how hard it is to conform and stay that way despite your inner feelings. It is a real hard road and sometimes long but you have to weather the storm. I have been in the dumps for months and even years myself. It is hard and we sometimes hide our true inner feelings and people do not notice.

    1. Well said, Palfitness. This conformist isn’t me at all. And we have to weather the storm and be true to ourselves. It is the only way to attain happiness. And I am sorry that you also struggle with the current world and its constant desire to see all of us suffer.

      1. Yep it is. For me it is me not working in the fields I should and seeing things at a small fraction of what it was yet the economy is doing so much better, lol.

  2. If you really feel this way you might want to change your path…so that you wake up loving each day and look forward to live it! Life is waaayyyyy too long to live it unhappy. Your happiness lies within though, not without! If this in not how you feel then that makes me happy!! Either way it’s quite a touching poem, with much depth and passion.

  3. That’s true. I would like to find a realistic middle where I don’t hate most mornings. Luckily, I like this one. Also, I just miss seeing my friends more often. And, I am worried another dramatic thing is going to drastically change my life to the point where I don’t know whom I am (again). Just been through a lot, and I feel like no one I see in real life, other than my stepdad, fully understands everything I have gone through. It is just hard to communicate my negative feelings without lashing out at people who won’t give me space to breathe and let me figure out WHAT I WANT. I get sick of my wants being tossed to the wayside while everyone else around me lashes out at me for their own shortcomings. That is why I keep to myself.

  4. Dear Xara:
    The Void innate, it likes to fill our hands. Provide us with the illusion of actually dealing with it, finding the occupation which will quench the thirst it ascribes to. It is a lie Xara.
    When it has us, we know it because we see an answer in everything, we see everyone as the one thing responsible for our dissatisfaction. And……..
    Yes, it is true, this world doth indeed assign us roles. It wants to set priorities for us, and to relegate some others. This too is a batch of illusions. Man has made it hard for man to survive in the world today.
    I would caution about the past holding out some kind of reprieve from all this pain, this despair. IE the past with your friends.
    We tend to cast blame backwards.
    I don’t have all the answers as you very well know. However I do have a caring heart, and especially where my Xara is concerned.
    Please be strong. Journal Xara, put your wonderful brain to work on these feelings.
    Talk to you soon. Promise.

  5. Thanks. I have gotten better at forgiving people, but I still feel on-guard should I be transgressed upon again. I have to protect myself because no one else will. I vow to always do right by myself. I will NEVER put anyone’s interests before my own again, unless they are for my future children.

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