So I’ve noticed that I used to write very frequently and about varying subjects. My mind was always active, and now it’s a barren wasteland full of broken dreams and thoughts. The inner critic in me is hard at work, telling me that I should
scratch this out, scratch that out. And it doesn’t help that I was seeing very much negativity and criticism in my life for the past month. It was either my clients getting sicker, my work not being satisfactory to my job or even my fiancé, or my parents not seeming to understand where I was coming from until I explained myself blue in the face. My stepfather was super supportive of me, even if he doesn’t 100 percent agree with everything I’m doing (but he doesn’t have to to support me, and I have never cared if people agree with what I am doing. I just want them to respect it.). I have been feeling very distant from my friends and people in general. The more distant I was getting and the more I tried to bridge the gap between me and others, the angrier and more worthless I felt. I didn’t help that my hormones were completely mental over all of this bullshit going on.
To tell the truth, the thought of being around people has been nerve-wracking. It isn’t like anyone is really doing anything THAT wrong. It’s just that I was beyond burnt out with all of the work and projects that I have been doing, and of course, saving and maintaining lives (sure that last bit is a bit dramatic, but I should at least add color to my life). I do try my best for other people, and I fell into that nasty habit I have where I almost don’t give a damn about myself at all. In fact, for two weeks, I felt like I wasn’t worth a damn at all and that if no one really reached out to me, then why should I reach out to myself. I know these feelings were in no way logical and made no sense, and I even explained that in a conversation that I had with my stepfather, but they were there. But luckily, I am quite over that now. I am now taking some time to Rest and Recover while my car is getting fixed at the shop, courtesy of my fiancé. He definitely gave me my birthday present. I told him he owed me nothing.
Anyhow, it took me until now to write something today. My head has been hurting me for some damn reason or another. I blame my lack of fluid intake. And I am sorry that I do not have anything else in mind at this moment that is more interesting. I wish I did. I’ve been wracking my brain to try to write an inspirational poem or piece, or even to make artwork, but all that is coming up is black, white, and gray. I’m sure even THAT’S been done over and over.
Damn you, inner critic.
Xara Nahara O’Connor
#ramblings #update #random