A Lot on my Mind Tonight

I have a lot to do, but I don’t know where to begin. I have a lot of worries tonight, but I did get some stuff done today. I straightened the house a bit, did some dishes, started to get my bills paid, completed one project, deleted someone from my address book (not fun), tried to call a friend (no answer – maybe she is sick again), cleaned two toilets, checked my E-mail several times and still have more E-mails to do, and completed a card for my cousin. Even with that long list of stuff I did, I am still way behind. Where the hell I have been? How did I get this behind? And why do I feel like a weak link and why do I feel like the world would be better if I would just stay focused and not be involved with anything to do with others? The heart of man, who can know it? Because I am so clueless when it comes to other people. No matter what I do, it feels like I am never enough. I just screwed up this week. I hope next week, I can straighten this mess out. Here’s to hoping and praying. Cheers! ::raises a toast to next week::

In other news, the clocks go forward, so no sleep tonight really. At least I can write in my insomnia book tonight. It was supposed to be for my fiancé, but he doesn’t write like I do. So he said I could have it because I write a lot.

Xara Nahara O’Connor

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xaranahara

I am a graduate of the University of Mount Union. I work for ResCare HomeCare as an attendant. I was a psychology major. I am still interested in English and theatre. Writing has always been one of my passions, and such is why I decided to create this blog. I also love animals. When I am not working hard on whatever project I happen to have my hands on, I am at home playing with my animals. I live with two cats named Garfield and Oreo. I also love to listen to all kinds of music, such as The Birthday Massacre, Emilie Autumn, The Cruxshadows, The Cranberries, Celldweller, Emperor, R.E.M., Future Funk Squad, Symphony X, Einherjer, and Nightwish. Oh, and as of October 15, 2015, I'm engaged. I plan to get married on October 31, 2017.

Categories Uncategorized24 Comments

24 thoughts on “A Lot on my Mind Tonight”

  1. Hey Xara, when I’m feeling overwhelmed I say to myself, “how important is this in the grand scheme of things” and it helps me put things in perspective. When it comes down to it, there really isn’t a lot that is that important in the grand scheme of things. You should praise yourself for all that you did get done and that you do get done and the service that you are to others. You have a big heart and your time is spent on others rather than yourself. Take more time out for you…you deserve it! Once you start to take care of you as well as you take care of others you will begin to feel better. Come on, let’s see that pretty smile…it’s all okay…you are such a beautiful soul!! Let it beam! xo 🙂

      1. I’m truly happy to hear that. Spending time with close friends always helps and I know you don’t get to see yours as often as you’d like. ::returns wide grin:: I missed you too!! XX 🙂

      2. Meh. But I go into boredom due to my lack of a strong social circle. As much as I love my fiancé, I am beginning to frustrate him, so I drink to be more tolerable. That’s the way I feel. As much as I might repeat myself, just feeling like I have a shoulder to cry on is better than this. The thing about depression is that when you need someone who is emotionally by your side, they run away. And I don’t even repeat as bad as some people. I know two women who used to always repeat themselves. They are my best friends. They have gotten better over time. I wish I could clone myself because I seem to be the only one who possesses the patience to listen to myself and deal with shit that I go through. Why not? It’s a constant struggle to ignore it and “forget about it.” Some people seem to think that I am supposed to be perfect and never get upset about “spilled milk.” These expectations stress me the fuck out. Aye aye aye

      3. There are so many things you could do, I don’t hang out with a social circle. I spend most of my time with me. And I enjoy it. You like to color, you could do more of that, or read or paint or play an instrument, write, spend time outdoors, get a camera and learn to use it, grow a garden, there’s many things that you can do all by yourself and enjoy it. Find something that really excites you, fulfills you, makes you want to spend time doing it. Focus on how you want your life to be, not the way it is or was. Make lists of what you do like, truly appreciate the small things. Take baby steps away from what it is that’s depressing you, don’t talk about it, or think about it or dwell on it. Talk about, think about and dwell on anything that makes you smile. Anything. No one is perfect, not even close to it, even if someone seems that they are. Are you expecting yourself to be perfect? Perfect is boring!!! Don’t let what others think, want or say dictate your life…you dictate your life. It’s you who has to live it…listen to you, seriously, if you listen to your inner guidance and do what it tells you (and not when drinking) you’ll be happier. Please yourself first or you won’t be happy and you will be a repeater. xo

      4. But I want to be similar to the person I was in college and shortly after. She was great. She handled things well when she could, and she had no problem being herself. But I like this person I am now, too. She is just unfamiliar to me is all. But my core is similar after last year. In 2014, my core died due to a ton of loss that occurred. But I have slowly been reviving it. Thank God.

      5. You can be any you you want to be…which ever “yous” make you happy are the ones to be. Focus on how you want things to be, what do you desire, where do you see yourself in a few months, a year, even 5 years. Aspire to that, what you focus on you will attract to you…so focus on what truly makes you happy. Surround yourself with what and who make you happy, not those things and people that bring you down. You matter first!!! You’ll be so much better to others once you are better to you. I’m sorry for your losses, but let them go now and move forward. xo

      6. When I feel comfortable enough to let go, sure. Until then, I like to think of good memories. It reminds me that I feel and care. And I did treat my client’s family and myself and Baebae whuhhh to Captain D’s.

      1. I know they do, you’re always so uplifted after having spent time with them. I wish they were closer…I know you do too!! xo

      2. Well that’s great news!! It would be wonderful if you could have a close friend or two that uplifted you like your other friends do. We all need that kind of someone in our lives. xo

      3. I’m working on that. It takes time, especially since you have Asperger’s and just want to do everything you can to make others happy. I always have to see a smile on their faces. I get socially anxious and fear that they may not think highly of me.

      4. It only matters what you think of you. Seriously. You’ll remain unhappy trying to please everyone else. Please yourself first, then please them if you so desire.

      5. I don’t think much of myself at all. As far as I have come, it is still not good enough. I expected to be farther. But hell, I am good at caring for others.

      6. Gee I really hope that’s not true. The more you think of yourself the better you’ll be at caring for others. You don’t want to reach “good enough” you always want to have desires and wants, otherwise life would get boring. xo

  2. Probably not. I’m just a 28-year-old being 28. And generally you’re right. I did slack a bit at the end of the day. I got overwhelmed by my clients’ closet because she is doing Spring cleaning. If it weren’t for her niece, that closet would have never gotten done. Thank God her soul and mind are fresh.

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