The title of this story was supposed to be “Office Woes, part 3,” but it wouldn’t be enough to cover the absolute insanity that happened in this account.
So, it is called “The Office Got Fucked Up, part 3.” in the viewpoint of Count Macrula.
I returned to the office to find it burning in flames. I blinked and realized the irony of this situation. Last time I checked, I assumed we were in league with the Gwinnett County Fire Department.
“Why is my office on fire?” I asked before having a full-on 15-minute laughing fit. I then decided to fly in the air, unzip my black slacks, and rain vampire lord urine on the building. It turns out that I had to urinate like a horse of the apocalypse, so my urination quenched those unholy flames.
I zipped up my black slacks and then flew down into the ashen building.
“This is my hoooooooommmmmeeeee!!!!” I shouted on baritone opera that astounded the heavens.
Nathan Explosion from Metalocalypse started riding his motorcycle through the building and starting screaming, “Awaken Awaken Awaken Awaken! Take the land that must be taken!”
“The time has come. To Awaken Him,” I spoke in a death metal voice.
“Musta-krakish! Musta-krakish! Musta-krakish!” Nathan Explosion chanted.
“I call upon the ancient lords of the underworld,” I spoke in a death metal voice.
“Musta-krakish!” Nathan Explosion chanted.
“To bring forth this beast and-” I started to say in a death metal voice.
“Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken
Take the land, that must be taken
Awaken, awaken, awaken, awaken
Devour worlds, smite forsaken
Rise up from your thousand year-old sleep
Break forth from your grave eternally
I command you to rise, rise, rise, rise
Rise, rise, rise, rise
I’m the conjurer of demons
I’m the father of your death
I bring forth the ancient evil
I control his every breath
I instigate your misfortune
With the birth of killing trolls
I awaken armageddon
Feeding on a thousand souls
Awaken Awaken Awaken Awaken! Take the land that must be taken!” Nathan Explosion and I growled.
A full version of Nathan Explosion’s and my duet can be found here: https://youtu.be/PcICrqowVkc
I then screamed as I mimicked Nathan Explosion, “I COMMAND YOU TO RISE!!! RISE!!!!! RISE!!! RISE!!!!” Then I said in my normal Count Macrula voice, “And awaken!”
Oh shit. I just rose the dead and brought forth a Kraken to destroy Gwinnett County. At least I know how to start a riot. The FBI will shit their pants when they see this. The riots on Capitol Hill and on Georgia’s Capitol building were pathetic and pointless. ‘Trumpanzees’ was the correct word to describe that nonsense. I will rain dark shit on them, and my fruit will be zombies with death ray eyes.
One of those zombies was my ex-co-worker Christoff. He was a good worker one time, and then he got caught into too many accidents near I-85. Once he was traumatized from literally being a target of every disgruntled driver in Gwinnett County, he began to become disgruntled at the job. He was opening tickets instead of closing them. Needless to say, I developed laryngitis every day up to the time of his death. One would think I killed him out of frustration, but actually Ahayah struck him down just because he was so goddamn stupid.
I was traumatized seeing him again, so FOR NOW ON, THIS STORY WILL BE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE LARYNGITIS, HERE I COME!
“THIS IS BULLSHIT!!!!!” I SHOUTED. I LAUGHED HYSTERICALLY.
“BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! THIS IS THE LAND, THAT IS PURE BULLSHIT!” NATHAN EXPLOSION AND I SANG TOGETHER.
“WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!” MELISSA THE GREAT ARC ANGEL ASKED AS SHE FLEW DOWN. “I WENT ON LUNCH BREAK, AND THE OFFICE IS BURNED DOWN AND THE DEAD HAVE RISEN!!! AND WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE HOSS DELGATO’S FROM THE GRIM ADVENTURES OF BILLY AND MANDY!”
(I am going to pause ALL CAPS for a minute and explain that while flying through an existential time warp to get to the ruined Gwinnet County Riot Station 32, my hair had grown slightly past my shoulders and turned the color of hot blood from simply… being sick of working.)
“I BLAME ANTIFA AND PROUD BOYS!!!! AND…. come to think of it, I have no idea. I was Michael the Great Arc Angel after I was the Grim Reaper Named Mike. Then I was Count Macrula from October 2020 and was stuck in the freezer called the office. And now that I grew red hair, I am not sure. A lot has changed in the past year,” I said thoughtfully as I stared at Melissa the Great Arc Angel.
“WHO ROSE THE DEAD!? YOU, ANTIFA, THE PROUD BOYS, BLACK LIVES MATTER, BEAR LIVES MATTER, DONALD TRUMP, JOSEPH BIDEN, OR NATHAN EXPLOSION? THESE ARE THINGS I MUST KNOW” MELISSA THE GREAT ARC ANGEL SHOUTED BEFORE HER VOICE WAS NORMAL. “Well, I am glad you decided to grow hair after 750 years. I have waited forever for this moment. Thank you, ….” Then she yelled again. “WHAT DO I CALL YOU?!”
“NO! NATHAN EXPLOSION AND I DID THAT!!!” I SHOUTED. “I EVEN BROUGHT CRISTOFF BACK TO LIFE! AND MACRULA IS TRANSYLVANIAN FOR MACRO, WHICH MEANS LARGE. MACRULA IT IS! THANK YOU, NATHAN EXPLOSION!” I SHOUTED TO THE HEAVENS.
“THAT’S GREAT! YOU OPENED UP 100,000,087 TICKETS!” MELISSA THE GREAT ARC ANGEL SHOUTED. “I’M SORRY. YOU CLEARING UP THE REASON FOR YOUR IDENTITY CHANGE MAKES THAT 100,000,086 TICKETS. AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT BUYING INTO GENDER REASSIGNMENT.”
“IT WAS THE WILL OF THE POWERS THAT BE! I’M SORRY!!!” I SHOUTED. “AND TACO MAC WITH COUNT MACULA, JR. AND ME WAS NECESSARY! ALSO, I AM PROUD OF MY MASCULINITY. AMERICA, PLEASE STOP SHAMING MEN FOR BEING MEN. THIS WAS UNHEARD OF UNTIL ABOUT 50 YEARS AGO.”
THE CAST OF PEEWEE HERMAN SCREAMED LIKE HELL. THEY WORE ZOMBIE MASKS.
“ARE YOU REALLY BETTER THAN CHRISTOFF!?” MELISSA THE GREAT ARC ANGEL SHOUTED.
WE ARE DISCUSSING TICKETS AT WORK, AND ZOMBIE ARMIES ARE RIOTING IN THE STREETS OF GWINNETT COUNTY. MELISSA THE GREAT ARC ANGEL’S PRIORITIES ARE A BIT OFF, BUT SO IS EVERYTHING ELSE. FUCK IT. I’M SICK OF WORKING! WHO KNOWS HOW MANY BUILDINGS THEY SET ON FIRE IN THE PROCESS? MORTAL RIOTS KNOW NOTHING.
“YES! BECAUSE WE NEED TO DESTROY THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL!!” I SHOUTED AS I FLEW OUT OF THE BURNT BUILDING. A PART OF THE ROOF FELL DOWN. I SLAYED THE DEAD AND SHOT DEATH RAYS AT THEM. SOME SHOT DEATH RAYS BACK, BUT I DODGED THEM.
ACTUALLY, LOWER CASE IS NECESSARY ALL OF A SUDDEN.
“Excuse me, sir. Were you formerly Michael the Great Arc Angel?” a goat who was driving a gray Gwinnett County Service jeep asked. “Where did the hair coooome from?”
“Yes,” I responded. “And that is even a mystery to me. I guess hair follicles grow when you enter an existential time warp.”
“Hoooollllyyyyy Shiiiiiiit. Swamp Business, part 2 is occurring in Gwinnett County Fire Station 32. Can you assist us?” the terrified goat asked us. He bleated in fright.
“Is this story supposed to be called “Office Woes, part 3 or Swamp Business, part 2? Because I think at this point it should be called The Office Got Fucked Up.” I said as I blinked with my icy blue eyes.
The goat bleated.
“HOW ABOUT MICHAEL, EXCUSE ME, MACRULA THE GREAT IDIOT SUMMONED THE UNDEAD BECAUSE HE HAD A MOMENT OF DARKNESS, PART 4?!” Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted.
She was correct. I have summoned the undead three previous times. One was when I worked for the Angel of Death as a grim reaper under the identity of The Grim Reaper Named Mike. I had a Jamaican accent then before it was considered racist. Everything is racist now, but I digress. The second time was during Halloween of 2007 when I summoned real zombies to haunt Norcross, Georgia. And the third time was during the Ferguson riots in 2013 when I summoned Nazi zombies to scare the protestors.
“Will that title fit?” I asked.
The zombies just stared at us. One shot lasers through his eyes at a pig that happened to be there. Someone’s having barbecue pork for lunch.
Crickets with angel wings, winged zombies, bats, and locusts with human faces of those who burned in hell were flying around Gwinnett and surrounding counties for an hour. Hell truly was unleashed upon the Earth. Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones were having a field day taking asses and kicking names.
At that point, I looked around and then had a laughing fit that was disguising the mental breakdown I was having. My mortality was real.
“WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!” Melissa the Great Arc Angel asked.
A group of pigs came back to the office before they saw zombies walking toward them with open tickets.
“Ahhhh hell nah!” the thinner pig from the break room scene in Office Woes, part 2 said.
“Man, you crazy for making me work in this kind of environment!” a big black female pig said.
The pigs oinked.
“IT’S YO JOB! GET ON THE PHONE AND ANSWER DIS BITCH!” I SHOUTED.
“Boy, is you crazy? They zombies in there!” A fat pig said as she put her elbow on the window ledge of the passenger seat and looked at me with big bugged out eyes. “You look like damn Alucard from the Castlevania series on Super Nintendo, bruh! What happened to you?”
When I heard “Boy,” I immediately set the car they were in on fire with my eye rays. I was going for roasted pork, but apparently, I had to wait.
The Apparently Kid from Youtube yelled “APPARENTLY!” at the other kid who looked like a zombie and liked turtles. YouTube and children make a funny combo. They are much more interesting than arguing with a bunch of big female pigs that only Gwinnett County had the AUDACITY to hire.
“Okay! Okay! Okay!” the pigs said as they squeezed out of the car and went to their desks. “Excuse me! Excuse me!” They shouted at the zombies.
One of the zombies bit the biggest pig on the ass.
I whispered to the goat, “All we need is barbeque sauce.”
The goat laughed. “Exactly! Are you ready for Swamp Business, part 2? Gwinnett County Fire Station 32 is in some deep shit right now.”
“I KNOW THEY BE ZOMBIES WALKING ROUND YOUR HOUSE!!! They walking around our office. One just ate a goat for real… I DON’T KNOW. Read the Bible OUT LOUD or somedin,” one of the pigs said over the phone as she bobbed her head back and forth. She looked like a bobble head toy that sits on the dash of the car. The pigs Gwinnett County hires, I swear. I need a new position ASAP.
I looked at the goat and said, “Hell no. I was recently at the STUPIDEST party and got stuck in a freezer for a few months prior because the office put me there, and I haven’t recovered from the mental stress and agony of GROCERY shopping in 2020! I’m just being honest.” I laughed so hard. Holy Shit I’m almost human at this point…maybe. I flapped my black wings to validate my existence as a dark angel. This Earth is too much. I wonder how my parents remained the angels they were. My dad was a human before my parents met.
I stepped out of the story and into a faded black backdrop scene to destroy the fourth wall. I used my sword and hacked and slashed for ten seconds before I composed myself.
“Number 1, Section C, Subsection 1a, Clause 43: Never, never, never make parents main or even minor characters in stories unless they have one line or less. Unless the stories fall under a sub category of Clause 44, which states, “This story is relevant to certain kinks which require parenthood or a parent ROLE. DDLG and ABDL to name a few.” OR Subsection 1b, Clause 27: THEY ARE OFF THE RECORD!” I spoke before taking a breath. “I WILL NOT PARTAKE IN THOSE STORIES!!!! EVER!!!!… And if I do, they will be off the record.” I smiled a huge smile.
With that note, I returned to the story after a giant rule book fell from the heavens and squashed me.
I saw Melissa the Great Arc Angel organizing the zombies into a “Zombie Lives Matter” riot, call it what it is, and marching toward Martin Luther King Boulevard and Ponce De Leon Avenue while shouting “Braaaaaains.” Yes, Georgia, you need brains. And I need to get the fuck out of Georgia. She played Latin American music as she and the zombies marched and danced.
The goat waited for me. “Have you composed yourself?”
“Yeah. These crazy ass angels made me work in a burntass building with zombies. Thank GAAHHDD, the female crazy ass angel organized the zombies into a riot to go to downtown Atlanta. This be cray! The FBI gonna have they hands full with that!…. Mhhhhhmmmm!!! Russia and China got plenty o’time to come up in here and starting takin’ over shit. These motha fuckas in this country be stupid as hell man!” a thinner pig said over the phone as she bobbed her head and laughed loudly.
She had a point. I’m letting the FBI deal with that shit. Fuck all of that.
“Hang on, goat. I have not fully composed myself,” I said as I went to the burnt ashes that used to be my office. I sang an angelic song about resigning from this God-Forsaken job to the Heavens.
The face of Ahayah shown through the clouds. He spoke in a language that only angels and very few humans knew. He said something that could be roughly translated as, “Duly noted.”
A horde of zombies started eating the flesh of one of the goat secretaries.
She screamed and bleated, “I SHOULD HAVE QUIT MY JOB LAST WEEK WHEN I HAD THE CHAAAAAAANCE!” Her hooves were in the air, and she was begging Ahayah to take her soul to heaven with him.
He took her soul to Heaven. Fly on, great goat woman. Her soul bleated in happiness, and she turned into a lamb. The lamb bleated and galloped up in the sky to Ahayah.
One zombie hobbled over with the bottle of barbecue sauce I kept in the fridge for moments like this. He poured some on the goat flesh. One zombie literally began to eat her pussy. Necrophilia at its finest. Welcome to the office.
The swamp from Gwinnett County Fire Station 32 swallowed our office building after the zombies finished eating her flesh, and we entered “Doing Business As Swamp Business.”
King Joebear growled and was eating a large barbecue chicken leg. That big black bear was wearing a crown. Xara walked in the woods naked.
Should I have averted my eyes?
Zombies were walking behind her before they gang-banged her.
I guess not.
There were days I wanted to violate her temple as much as they wanted to. I never had my chance. I shall never. There is too much off-the-record material to explain my reasons. I was in a freezer, but I was not frozen. The series that will never be written: Frozen: The Non-Disney Adventures of Count Macrula and His Lengthy Visit to Hotel Transylvania in Wintertime.
“Bae Whuhh!!!!” she shouted. “Join us.”
“JOIN US, BAE WHUHHH!!!” the zombies shouted.
Xara and the zombies then danced to seriously spicy salsa music.
But King Joebear’s fat ass was not ready to dance to seriously spicy salsa. He was taking a shit that made even swamps smell like fresh cut roses. It seems that the sewer was flying out of King Joebear’s sacred fat ass. Holy Shit that bear had a fat ass.
A young black and white cat named Miss Oreo came storming into the swamp. Kissy, their female orange cat that grew to be twice the size she was months ago, followed Miss Oreo. Garfield’s soul had just left his body to be with Ahayah.
Kissy introduced me to being part of this Swamp Business.
I screamed and brought more humidity upon them. A wall of rain fell from the sky.
“Hoowoo Bae Whuhh you sexy!” Xara said. At that moment, she started her period. She had swamp vagina. She needed business more than ever. “BAE WHUHH!!! I NEED BUSINESS BAEWHUHH!!!”She was also crying because she missed Garfield.
“Kissy! Kissy!” King Joebear said in a low melodic voice. “I need you, Kissy Kissy.”
Kissy ran over there to lay with him. Oh Shit! They were about to cry.
King Joebear called to his wife, “Bae! Come lay with me!”
Xara laid with her bear. A barbeque chicken pizza fell out of the sky. Her bear ate pizza. She ate pizza.
Count Macula, Jr. walked over to them while he was eating pizza. He was still a forever young white cub. Apparently, he was also in a freezer.
The Apparently Kid from YouTube yelled “APPARENTLY” before the remaining cast of PeeWee Herman shouted while wearing zombie masks.
A YouTube ad was shown on one of the trees in the swamp. The narrator’s voice boomed, “COMING SOON, A STORY THAT WILL WARM YOUR HEART, RATTLE YOUR BRAIN, AND SEND YOU IN ANOTHER DIMENSION. DISNEY’S NEW FILM: COUNT MACULA, JR. CLIMBS A WINTERY MOUNTAIN IN TRANSYLVANIA TO FIND HIS FAMILY THAT HAD BEEN ABDUCTED BY THE FBI. HE FINDS MANY FRIENDS ALONG THE WAY, AND THEY CLIMB A MOUNTAIN TOGETHER AND FORM A BOND LIKE NO OTHER. WHAT DO THEY FIND? ONLY THE FBI KNOWS.”
The video shows the title: FROZEN: COUNT MACULA, JR.’S SAGA.
The narrator continued, “COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU. Youcanonlyenterthetheatreifyouhave receivedtheCoronavirusvaccine.”
The ad stopped playing.
“Goddamn the FBI knows my life story. Goddamn the FBI knows my life story. Goddamn the FBI knows my life story. Goddamn the FBI knows my life story. Goddamn the FBI knows my life story. Goddamn the FBI knows my life story. Goddamn the FBI knows my life story.
Goddamn the FBI knows my life story.
Goddamn the FBI knows my life story,” Count Macula, Jr. said in his high-pitched Southern accent as he sat down and ate his pizza. “I didn’t take the vaccine, so I am not making a dime off of it. They’re a bunch of crooks in the Beast system. They will go to Hell for this. They will go to Hell for this. They will go to Hell for this. They will go to Hell for this. They will go to Hell for this. They will go to Hell for this. They will go to Hell for this. They will go to Hell for this.”
A super hot curly-haired woman with green eyes and glasses was also eating pizza, but she was dancing in ballet style around in a purple form-fitting crop top and a pink bekini. The bottom of her supple C-cup breasts would show when she jumped in the air. She was 7’4″ and looked like an Amazonian woman. I have a boner. She was a perfect hour glass figure, AND I WANT TO VIOLATE HER OVER AND OVER!!!!
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing and Megara were also eating pizza. They had three female cubs. He sang opera as entertainment for dinner. I sang with him because his voice moved my soul like wind blowing through the trees. He brought life to an otherwise soul of death and destruction. He could be a bear angel, but he has never asked for physical wings or powers.
Paul the Goat rode Hollywood while they both ate pizza.
Kissy, a large orange female cat, then ate Xara’s pizza crust and meowed as though she were a wind-up toy. It was the longest and most beautiful meow I had ever heard. I was honored to hear it once more.
Her meow called upon me. THAT’S MY CUE!!!
——————————————————————–I descended from the Heavens as quickly as I could. Nothing in my life was more urgent than answering the call of that beautiful, angelic meow. KISSY! I COME TO THEE!
Count Macula, Jr. blinked as he looked at me and took a bite of his pizza. “Apparently we have entered Heaven. This pizza tastes like Heaven. Excuse me. I have a cub call to make. I have a cub call to make. I have a cub call to make. I have a cub call to make. I have a cub call to make. I have a cub call to make. I have a cub call to make. I have a cub call to make,” he spoke before he growled a great cub growl eight times.
Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing did some vocal exercises before he, too, joined in bear chorus.
King Joebear growled in bear chorus before Miss Oreo stole a bite of pizza from him. “OREO, lay down!” he growled at her. Miss Oreo stared at him before she continued to chew.
Paul the Goat bleated before Hollywood neighed loudly.
The super hot curly-haired woman with green eyes and glasses started to bleat before she looked up at me and asked, “Who the hell are you?”
I spoke with vigor, “I am Macrula, a dark angel with regrets, angel wings of redemption, and have traveled across many planes of existence. A cat called upon me. What shall she have me do?”
I have a boner. I could not describe how much I wanted to pull that Amazonian woman’s long brown curly hair and use it as a handle to yank her pussy back and forth on my cock. GODDAAMN!!!!!
Kissy looked at Miss Oreo. Miss Oreo looked at Kissy. They were confused cats.
I spoke again, “I heard a cat that sounded like a wind-up toy.” Then I thought, ‘And if I am not careful, I will defile this woman in front of you kittens.’
Kissy looked at me and meowed again. “Sorry about that. I was excited about pizza crust. When I eat pizza crust, I’m in heaven. Thank you for coming.”
“You are most welcome, cat of great beauty,” I said. “What shall you have me do for you?”
“Well, we are having a great swamp party, despite the fact that this fire station is completely fucked,” Kissy said as she meowed.
Pauno, a Greek God with green eyes and black curly-hair and Kendrick, Peter’s ex-girlfriend and Pauno’s current wife also wandered in the swamp. They also were eating pizza. Pauno honors me greatly.
(Where is that asshole Peter anyway? He was in Swamp Business, part 1.)
Kendrick looked over at the curly-haired woman and approached her. “You look familiar. Have I seen you before?” she asked as she looked her up and down and had her jaw dropped.
The Amazonian woman smiled awkwardly and kind of looked away as she hunched her shoulders. “I don’t remember, but maybe we crossed paths before.” She shrugged with her arms and smiled. Her smile. It was extremely familiar… she was on TV… she is extremely hot… OH SNAP!
“Peter?!” Kendrick said as she was looking that Amazonian woman’s eyes.
My boner felt confused. I just stared at her.
She sighed cutely (GODDAMN YOU PETER, YOU HAVE SEDUCED ME! YOU TRICKED ME! DAMN YOU, YOU VILE BITCH!) before she spoke, “I changed my name. Peter isn’t a girl’s name.” She sighed and rolled her gorgeous green eyes. (Goddamn you! I will beat you with my dick when I get the chance, you transexual cunt!) She still acted like Peter.
The swamp bubbled up before a man with shaggy red hair started crawling from the large puddle in the middle of said swamp. He was covered in mud. He looked familiar. He looked like someone I saw in Jessica Lynn Fortune, my therapist’s office. He then hugged that sexy, vile transexual BITCH CUNT around her curveous, milky waist.
‘GO AWAY BONER!!!!’ I shouted inwardly to myself.
“Xaria, I have found you,” the man covered in mud said as he kissed the left side of her curveous, smooth, milky body. Goddamn that vile woman. My boner is confused. My lips envy the lips of the other man. GOD DAMN TRANSEXUALITY!
That sexy, vile transexual BITCH CUNT smiled and put her dainty yet long fingers around those of the man. “Oh hey, Jared. Why the hell did you emerge from the mud?”
King Joebear then growled a great bear growl before announcing, “That’s great, and now excuse me, I need to lick ass.”
I’m NOT going through that scene again, so I sang angelic opera to summon a swamp drain in the middle of Gwinnett County Fire Station 32.
“BAE WHUHH!!!!” Xara shouted as she shook her divine booty and did the backfat dance in front of us. She still was bleeding like a stuffed pig. Xara’s ass is the best form of pork. All it needs is barbeque sauce with extra angel dust, if you know what I mean.
King Joebear growled before he mauled her and started to lick her ass.
I laughed a hearty laugh before I addressed Kissy. “I am not going to lick your cat ass if that’s what you are implying.”
Kissy looked at me in confusion before she meowed again. “No. I definitely did not call you for that. I simply meowed out of enjoying pizza crust,” she said.
We went down the swamp drain in a clockwise direction because we were in North America.
“WELCOME TO SUMMONER’S RIFT!” a woman’s voice spoke over the intercom. She sounded like Athena.
There were four other people with me. Was I seriously in a game of League of Legends?
Jared, a great redheaded angel was in the summoner’s circle with me. Was this the same man that made jewelry for weddings?
“Where are we?” I asked him.
“Summoner’s Rift. I’m support,” he said as he started to travel on bottom lane. He sounded a lot like Jessica Lynn Fortune….
HOLY SHIT! WHY??????!!!! HOW CAN GOD FORSAKE ME LIKE THIS?!!!!
“Where is Summoner’s Rift?!” I called loudly as I selected Q as my first ability.
“Abraham’s Bosom. You’re top lane,” Jared called.
Melissa the Great Arc Angel was mid lane. Xara was the jungler woman. And the AD Carry was an angelic woman whose beauty had no competitor. NOT EVEN XARIA THE TRANSEXUAL BITCH! I WILL DESTROY HER WHEN I SEE HER NEXT!!! HOW DARE YOU TEMPT A DARK ANGEL, YOU VILE BEAST!!!!! I AM NOT GAY, AND YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME THAT WAY. TO HELL WITH THEE!!!!
“Excuse me. Minions are being summoned in 30 seconds. I have a therapy appointment on bottom lane. Do you mind, sir?” the AD Carry with great beauty asked as she bought an aggressive item. Her voice was soft and melodic.
I flew to top lane, but my eyes remained on her. Her wings were as white as snow and as big as a set of window blinds. She flew smoothly as her soft red hair trailed behind her. Her green eyes were the same shade as Jared’s AND UNFORTUNATELY XARIA WONDERBOOM.
Xaria Wonderboom changed her last name from Parker to Wonderboom. I assume it had something to do with her novel and proving her Wonder Woman like status to the world. She had the body of Wonder Woman back in 1984…
I hope I see that transexual cunt on top lane so that I can kill her again and again. She’s giving me a weird boner.
I shot red eye lasers at the minions thinking about disintegrating her (and her vagina… GODDAMMIT THESE THOUGHTS ARE INTRUSIVE!!!!)
Xaria was smiling as she destroyed minions and tried to gank me. Apparently the transexual vile cunt really really really really really really liked to troll humanity. CUNT!!!!!
“There aren’t enough ban slots in this fucking game!” King Joebear shouted as he came top lane and destroyed my minion wave.
Turret plating fell off mid tower.
Jared was charmed by Xaria’s green eyes and grinned before looking back up at her. “You fight well in the jungle,” he said as he fought her with his sword.
Those must have been their therapy sessions all the time. No wonder Xaria is such a fucking BITCH.
“Thank you,” Xaria said as she shot an arrow at the redheaded man with the large white wings.
Xara rooted Xaria with tree vines that came from the ground. She wrapped them around the transbitch’s legs, groin, and her boobs. She also wrapped the vines around Xaria’s mouth with pink thin lips. Tentacle rape, please. Stick one of those vines up her gorgeous butt.
“BOOBS!!!! I am Pauno, the Greek God of parties, being supportive, wine, and crack cocaine,” Pauno said with authority as he grabbed Xaria’s tits and squeezed them.
“That’s my line!” Xara shouted as her bear had slain her. “But yes, BOOBS!!!”
King Joebear growled loudly as his tongue licked wonders to the inside of Xara’s anus. “YOU CAN’T SOLO OLAF!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING, FUCKING RETARDS!” he shouted. He played this game for real.
“Ooh hoo Bae!!!!!” Xara shouted in excitement as soon as she went back to spawn.
Xaria looked at me as she became free and walked up to my lane to gank me. Her clothes were tattered, showing more skin. All of my blood has rushed to my penis.
Jared sighed. “Put a ward up, Christina. We need to know when Xaria shows up.”
That beautiful angel is named Christina? What an appropriate name! But she must excuse me. I have a transvestite to kill. I came and chased Xaria down to bottom lane.
“I am going to fuck up bottom lane,” Xaria said with a little laugh and wink. “Three for one is so worth it.”
“Please do! Yes, a foursome would be lovely!” I said as I whipped my penis out and beat Xaria with it.
Count Macula, Jr. rolled on the ground and laughed his ass off. He was mid lane. He called after me in the middle of laughing hysterically, “Well, I suppose that’s what angels are for. I enjoy laning against this woman, but if only I didn’t have to put up with her toxic attitude, that would be great! Could you help me find a better lane? Better yet, let’s switch lanes. I like Xaria’s boobs. I like Xaria’s boobs. I like Xaria’s boobs. I like Xaria’s boobs. I like Xaria’s boobs. I like Xaria’s boobs. I like Xaria’s boobs. I like Xaria’s boobs.”
“I sure could! I feel pretty gay right now. Would you like to go in bottom lane?” I asked as I stuffed my five-foot penis in my pants, punched it, and flew away from everyone.
“Anything would be better than laning against this angel in Legendary League!” Count Macula, Jr. said with conviction. He thrust his fist in the air for effect eight times. He posted a surrender vote for his team. Everyone agreed.
King Joebear shouted, “I’m out! I can’t do anything! Game’s called League of Legends. Retards.”
Next Game… still in Abraham’s Bosom under Gwinnett County Fire Station 32
“Why are we in lane!? N*br!” I yelled. You can’t say racist stuff in Abraham’s Bosom in 2021.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Count Macula, Jr. said as he ended up in bottom lane against Jared with a retarded AD Carry. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
I looked at him in confusion and great disgust. Are all midlaners toxic?
“YOU’RE AWAKE WHEN THERE ARE MINIONS, HUH!!!!” Count Macula, Jr. said with vigor.
I was mid lane now and let out a big sigh. “THIS IS MY LANE NOW!!!” I exclaimed with authority.
Count Macula, Jr. then started killing Christina and Melissa the Great Arc Angel in bottom lane. His white hair was gelled down. He wore a white long-sleeved button-down shirt with khakis pants and suspenders.
Melissa the Great Arc Angel was the jungler on our team. She was on Count Macula, Jr. like white on rice. They are the whitest people on Earth.
“Fuck off,” Count Macula, Jr. said. “Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.”
Xaria came down at Jared and was rubbing his large penis. He was ten feet tall, so he was only three feet taller than she was. “You’re dead,” she said with a smile.
“Nope,” he said as he smited her boobs. He slain her and her giant tits.
Xaria giggled. “Fuck you.”
“I CAN’T SOLO THREE PEOPLE!” Xara shouted as she was against King Joebear, Pauno, and Princess Lindsay Carrington.
King Joebear removed his mouth from Xara’s ass and growled. “Now I want sausage and beans!!!!” he shouted. He then slain her.
“Yes Bae Whuhhhh!!! Sausage and Beans Wednesday!!!!” Xara shouted. “I’m hungry again.”
“I love sausage and beans, but you know what I hate?” Count Macula, Jr. asked.
“What? Democrats?” Xara asked as she pinged everyone to go to Top lane.
“Haha Yes, but you know what I hate more than Democrats?” Count Macula, Jr. asked.
“What?” Xara asked.
A rift herald was summoned randomly before destroying mid tower.
Melissa the Great Arc Angel typed furiously to Christina, “You’re trash. You’re the worst Mid lane ever! You’re getting owned by Macrula. Get the fuck out of here. We gonna get dragon? We gonna dragon! Xara, you fuckin’ suck. You’re trash. You’re trash. Do you see my damage? Do you see my damage! That’s what’s gonna carry us. Not yours. 4! Fizz is bottom you fuckin’ idiot! You see him walk across the map! Fuckin’ idiot, Christina! Shitty team. Fuck it. GO IN, COUNT. FUCK YOU!!!”
“Radiated Refried Beans!” Count Macula, Jr. yelled.
“Oh yes! Recreational Radiated Refried Beans!” Xara shouted.
King Joebear and Melissa the Great Arc Angel talked shit to each other. They both bitched about their teams. Toxic players.
“I’m speechless!” King Joebear continued. “My team. 3 versus 1. Count Macula, Jr. is fed. GOOD GAME, Christina. You. Suck. Fuck her.”
Xara and I just burst out laughing. We hate toxic team members. King Joebear is complaining about having no team. He was on a short fuse.
Everyone surrendered again. This is League of Legends in 2021. Worse than the swamp in Gwinnett County Fire Station 32.
King Joebear, Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, and Count Macula, Jr. all growled loudly in excitement. The trees in the forest in Abraham’s Bosom shook from the energy the bears were exerting with their growls. The bears were bears.
“You all have problems. Would you all like to make appointments?” Jared asked as he flew down to us with his large white wings.
Xaria snorted as she folded her arms across her large, curvy chest.
“Would you like to return to Summoner’s Rift?” he asked.
“No!” Xaria shouted.
“Xaria is just as much of a jerk as Peter is. Can we have tacos to deal with the stress? Maybe radiated refried beans if possible,” Kendrick said.
“Love ’em,” Pauno said. “I shall make tacos rain from the sky!” He threw lightning bolts in the air and was staring at Xaria’s tits. The only thing that happened was that Pauno made sour cream. “What the fuck?”
I sniffed the air. My nose curled back in disgust. “Abraham’s man breasts sour the meat,” I said somberly. “WHY IS EVERYONE CHANGING THEIR GENDERS ALL OF A SUDDEN?!”
King Joebear, Bruce the Ace of Brake-fixing, and Count Macula, Jr. growled angrily like cubs. King Joebear added a ferocious yawn to the end of his long series of growls.
Paul the Goat made a series of bleats in disgust. Hollywood charged away with Paul the Goat on his back. Both of them neighed in frustration. The swamp golem hobbled after them.
Pauno growled angrily as well because he was looking forward to tacos.
Xaria said, “And this kind of shit is why I am still in therapy! In other news, the government stimulus includes gender reassignment, so I took advantage of it.” She smiled widely.
I stepped out of the story into a faded black backdrop scene, screamed, and slashed the fourth wall for 21 minutes straight before I composed myself.
“Next story. Macrula Goes to Therapy. Fuck this shit!” I said as I slashed the story to bits.
Was the plumbing fixed at Gwinnett County Fire Station 32? At this point, I don’t fucking care. Fuck this job. I resign.
“I’M SICK OF WORKING!!!!!” I shouted. I broke the sound barrier.