Hatari 2024

(sequel to “Patches’ Nightmare”)

Garfield, Kissy, Nugget, Patches, and Peter greeted me as Kurt ushered me away from Queen Megen Ace, King Bruce Ace’s wife, not the Queen Megen that was going to appear in the future and take over the catering operation. Garfield, Patches, and Kissy meowed a few times. Nugget barked several times.

“What the fuck do these cats want?!” King Dark Chocolate Blueberry Gummy Bear screamed. “What does that dog want?!”

“God only knows-” Lindsay started to say.

Someone called King Dark Chocolate Blueberry Gummy Bear’s number. He picked up the phone. “Hello?!”

“Is this King Simmons?” some goofy man asked slowly. He sounded like a country version of Scooby Doo.

“No. You have the wrong number,” King Dark Chocolate Blueberry Gummy Bear said flatly as he stared straight ahead.

“Are you sure? I’m looking for KING SIMMONS,” the country Scooby Doo repeated.

“Yes I’m sure! Get yo country ass off my fuckin’ phone!” King Dark Chocolate Blueberry Gummy Bear shouted before he turned his phone into a chocolate bar. He ate that chocolate bar.

Garfield and Kissy meowed a few times. Nugget barked several times. Patches meowed a long meow.

“I fed them! I gave them water! I hosed their shit and piss off in a landfill! What the fuck do they want?! Vanille! Pet Garfield, please! He’s meowing near me!” King Napoleon-covered Cherry Gummy Bear screamed.

I rubbed up against Garfield and said, “Quit! I’m busy!”

Peter bleated loudly. Nugget barked again.

“Happy Relationship Day, and Happy Fucking Birthday, Uncle Evan!” I screamed before I growled at him.

My Uncle Evan, a short man with a bald head, a gray goatie, gray eyes, and a pointy nose appeared with a huge pot of spaghetti and meatballs. “Thank you. I brought spaghetti and meatballs,” he said in a pleasant voice.

“Oh sure! This gentleman gets a birthday on the same day as Relationship Day. Fuck it. I’m eating rice,” Cody said as he walked toward us before he walked away from us backwards. He added turkey and gravy to his rice and ate again. Hot damn that dog was hungry.

“Did you bring chicken nuggets?” Nugget asked Uncle Evan.

“Yes, I brought chicken nuggets. I remembered to do that after I yelled at the yellow spoon that refused to go in the goddamn drawer for 20 fucking minutes,” Uncle Evan said in a flat tone. “Fuck that shit. It can stay on the floor.”

A clone of Uncle Evan walked like a robot and brought a 20″x12″ pan of chicken nuggets to us.

Peter bleated before he trotted away and started eating many leaves from the trees. He was bleating between bites.

Elephants were making their own holiday commotion. They were arguing, stomping, drinking water, and eating.

John Wayne shot at them.

The elephants bellowed in unison one more time before they traveled together to another watering hole to continue to bitch.

“Ugh. The holidays are dramatic enough. We don’t need the elephants to add to the drama that is Relationship Day and family gatherings,” John Wayne commented. He reloaded his shotgun. “This shit is a fucking joke, bro.”

A rhino ran at us and wanted more drama.

Nugget and Lindsay took the pan from the clone of Uncle Evan and ate the nuggets.

The rhino ran past Nugget and Lindsay.

“Sis, I’m sorry for causing you issues earlier. There was too much bullshit going on during the Christmas holidays,” Nugget said.

“I forgive you,” Lindsay said as she fed him a chicken nugget.

Patches meowed with joy.

“Hot dammit,” John Wayne said as he shot at the rhino. “I can’t get away from it. He’s a big one. Take your time with him, Pockets!”

“Yes, Bwana. I’ll be careful, Bwana,” Pockets said as he chased the rhino around while doing a monkey walk. Pockets was a literal circus clown without the outfit, hair, and make-up.

The rhino chased Kurt around.

“You’re supposed to chase HIM around,” John Wayne said.

“Tell him that!” Kurt screamed as he climbed the same tree Peter was eating off of.

“Casa Camba!” Pockets screamed at the rhino.

“Casa Camba!”John Wayne also screamed at the rhino.

“RILEY!” I sang. “The Ace of Riddling,” I added.

Riley the Ace of Riddling scarfed the remainder of the turkey and rice from the table before barking 28 times. Then, he went out of his way to exist elsewhere and eat chicken nuggets. Duke the Ace of Dodging barked 28 times and followed him before eating a huge turkey leg. Nugget continued to eat chicken nuggets.

“Crazy ass dogs,” Peter said as he shook his head and bleated. “I wish Tug were here. He was normal.”

Then we heard a familiar howl as a familiar basenji charged up near the tree where Kurt and Peter were located.

“TUG! You have returned!” Peter said with an excited bleat.

“Hello, Dad,” Tug said as he wrapped his body around Peter’s leg. “Happy Birthday, Uncle Evan!”

“Thanks, Tug! Would you like some spaghetti and meatballs and chicken nuggets?!” Uncle Evan asked.

“YEAH I WOULD!” Tug shouted as he raced over to my uncle.

Uncle Evan then poured the spaghetti and meatballs onto a plate, and the mountain of spaghetti and meatballs grew so high that it consumed all of us.

Nugget floated above the spaghetti and meatball mountain and spun in a circle in the sky. An angel played with Nugget’s black curly tail, and Nugget spun around and chased the angel and his own tail. He barked repeatedly in the process of spinning. He spun so fast that the spaghetti and meatball mountain unraveled and opened a portal to the sixth dimension.