Setting Up The Castle and Instruments
Count Macrula, Count Macula, Jr., FreeLee the Banana Girl, and I returned from Publix and saw Joebear and the spirit of Colonel America smashing the TVs.
From this point on, I knew that getting through this party was going to require a lot of patience.
Joebear had anger issues because he lost to Hecarim in League of Losers too many times.
FreeLee the Banana Girl saw the TVs being destroyed and was pleased.
“Send FreeLee the Banana Girl to the heavens! She is done here!” Count Macrula shouted as bright white lightning shot out of his milky white palms into the black clouds swirling above them.
FreeLee the Banana Girl floated up to Heaven; her long blond locks hung down from her head as she was taken up in a green leaf dress. The jungle princess’s soul would now be in Heaven.
“Jungle Boogie” by Kool & the Gang played in the background: https://youtu.be/-BM5wPOe0xQ?si=sgMjTlocuLBpukgW.
Bananas were falling out of the sky. Some of us were eating bananas. Joebear ate two bananas.
Everyone noticed that FreeLee the Banana Girl was floating up to Heaven, nodded and shed tears of joy, and then went on with his or her day. Most of us jungle-boogied in celebration of her life.
Joebear did not jungle boogie because he really hated disco. Out of frustration, he then grabbed a TV, walked outside, and took a dump on the TV.
“This WILL NOT DO!” Count Macrula shouted in a booming thunderous voice.
Lightning struck Count Macula, Jr.’s abode and turned it into a crisp.
The song abruptly stopped, and Kool was burned to a crisp. The gang scattered and waited for the drama to die down.
“We need a castle in order to have Vegan Chipotle with Count Macula, Jr!” Count Macrula shouted. He sang in dark angelic language while spooky music played in the background before he shouted, “HOOOMMEEE!!!!” in a baritone language and spread his arms wide.
A gothic castle with a pointed roof descended slowly from the sky onto Count Macula, Jr.’s family of gray bears’ property.
We were all of a sudden surrounded by great high cathedral ceilings that were painted with Count Macula, Jr.’s family photos, including his long lost cousin’s sister’s brother’s former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him.
Count Macula Jr.’s father’s black van was parked in a valet garage between a beautiful white chariot and a black 1933 hearse that looked like the one used in the first Dracula movie.
Count Macula Jr.’s tin computer desk was upgraded to dark oak desk with multiple drawers and a place to put the computer. The computer was a top-of-the-line desktop model with a 3D monitor.
Dressing Up For The Chipotle Party
Count Macula Jr. himself began to transform again. His gray hair was now silver, so he was a silver bear. He also had bat wings and even sharper teeth. “Coooool!!!! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!” he shouted in song as his high-pitched Southern voice echoed in the castle. He had a nervous tic that made him feel the need to repeat himself eight times.
“WOW!!! This kitchen looks incredible!!!” Lindsay, my brunette friend with large brown eyes, shouted as she poked her head in the kitchen door. “I didn’t know Colonel Mac lived in a gothic castle! Wow!!!” She was wearing a royal red princess gown. She was now Princess Lindsay Carrington from Savannah, GA. Her husband was Prince Carrington from London. They both were from a British descent apparently.
Greetings and Reintroduction
Count Macula, Jr. skipped over to her and stared at her. “Dear Princess, my name is no longer Colonel Mac,” he said in a higher-pitched Southern accent before he bowed low to the ground and danced a jig.
Princess Lindsay Carrington stared at the silver cub in front of her. “Excuse me. I was addressing Colonel Mac. I know not of whom thou art,” she spoke as she chewed on a nacho.
“I am Count Macula, Jr! I have become a silver cub due to Count Macrula granting me vampiric powers. I am a vambear,” the silver cub said as he looked directly at Princess Lindsay Carrington.
“So you’re telling me that you were formerly known as Colonel Mac and that you are now Count Macula, Jr.?” Princess Lindsay Carrington asked.
“Yes,” Count Macula, Jr. said before he sang and danced to the quick notes a vampire from The Gang was playing on an organ. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”
The rest of The Gang played disco instruments in the beat of the yeses.
“So much can happen in a grocery shopping trip!” Princess Lindsay Carrington said dramatically as she almost fainted, but landed on a maroon couch instead.
Patches, Princess Lindsay Carrington’s cat, walked in the kitchen and meowed loudly while Vampire and the Gang played long notes on their instruments. They shook the whole fucking castle.
“JEE WHIZ!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!” Count Macula, Jr. shouted like Tyler1 as he skipped in the kitchen. He had a widow’s peak and intense brown eyes. Needless to say, he had a set of lungs on him.
“Are you Count Colonel Mac?” Patches asked.
“NO!” Count Macula, Jr. shouted.
Vampire and the Gang played the same note for three seconds.
Cooking Began; We Were Hungry
Joebear, Colonel America’s spirit, Count Macrula, Mr. Williamson, Princess Lindsay Carrington, Kendrick, Pauno, and Peter’s therapist, Jaybird, and I started cooking the vegan taco mac after our ear drums were assaulted. I had to eat a banana because I was starving.
We were sorry we had to interrupt Count Macula, Jr.’s shouting rant, but if we planned to eat that day, we had to get started.
“NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!” Count Macula, Jr. shouted as he jumped in rhythm with his shouting. “I have no affiliation with the military, nor do I want to. I don’t believe in murder. I’m a passive bear, although because my fur is now silver,” he said before he took a deep breath. “MY LUNGS ARE STRONGER THAN EVER!!!”
“EAR ASSAULT!!!” Tyler1 yelled as he covered his ears. “He is louder than me.”
Colonel America’s spirit wavered in the air. “I have returned to fill an important role in this story. I am the logic in this otherwise completely illogical nonsensical saga,” he announced as he began to boil the canned beans.
“Not to mention the Colonel role,” Count Macrula stated as-a-matter-of-factly as he was washing the spinach.
“Where are the avocados?” Mr. Williamson asked. “We’re supposed to have guacamole with vegan chipotle.”
“Says whhoooooooo??? Yiiiickkkkk!!!” Count Macula, Jr. said. “Yick! Yick! Yick! Yick! Yick! Yick! Yick! Yick!”
Vampire and the Gang were having a groovy time playing their instruments. I guess ‘Vegan Chipotle Musical Cooking with Count Macrula and Count Macula, Jr.’ really was a musical.
“Agreed. Fuck avocados. Worst fruit ever. Should be abolished,” I said.
Princess Lindsay Carrington rose from the couch to get more fruit punch. The Hawaiian Fruit Punch Guy and she had a brief conversation.
“Disagreed. The only thing worse than an avocado is a lima bean,” Count Macrula said. He shuddered. “The horror!”
A random bear jumped in the kitchen and said, “I brought lima beans for the Vegan Chipotle with Count Macrula-“
Count Macrula screamed and used red eye rays to disintegrate that poor bear and the lima beans.
I continued to chop up peppers and onions.
“So are you not even allowed to bring lima beans in the kitchen?” Reba the Mail Lady asked.
Count Macrula shot his death rays at Reba the Mail Lady and disintegrated her.
Princess Lindsay Carrington started rinsing the rice for the rice cooker. “That answers our question. Can we even mention Lima-“
Count Macrula was shooting the death rays in her direction.
“Lima, Peru! It’s one of my favorite cities to visit. I say!” Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she was dramatically trying to catch her breath. Her eyes were wide as she stared at the burn mark on her left sleeve.
Nugget, her mother’s chihuahua mix, barked in her general direction. He did not mention lima beans at any point.
Count Macrula then smiled widely and said, “Why yes! That is one of my favorite cities! You can mention that all you like!” he said as he was washing the lettuce.
“Did you know avocados are good?!” Peter shouted as he poked his head in the kitchen.
I threw the knife I was using to chop up peppers and onions at Peter’s head.
Peter left and started laughing.
“Wow, baebae!” Joebear said as he put the macaroni in the boiling water. He set the timer for 10 minutes.
“No avocados for me! I didn’t buy any!” I said as I growled and continued to chop peppers and onions with a different knife.
Jaybird was chopping up the tomatillos.
Miss Oreo meowed. Patches meowed with her.
Vampire and the Gang were playing a jive turkey beat similar to “Fresh” by Kool and the Gang. They were the live band. Miss Oreo and Patches and singing meows to the beat: https://youtu.be/sTJ1XwGDcA4?si=8gIQdnxo72bZVK3k
I thought Paul the Goat was the DJ, but I guess not. He normally was the DJ for these insane parties. I guess he was okay with Vampire and the Gang being the live band for that night’s party.
Pauno then walked in the kitchen. “For people who like guacamole or tacos while they wait, I shall make them rain from the sky!” he announced. He had long curly hair and a beard.
“Thank you,” Mr. Williamson said.
Pauno then walked to the living room and threw his strong hands in the dusty air. Bright white and purple strands of lightning came out of them like Thor’s Hammer as he brought down guacamole, Mexican salsa, nacho chips, and many napkins.
We Relocated to a Mariachi Party in Costa Rica
Everyone in the living room cheered. Vampire and the Gang played a song of approval: https://youtu.be/3GwjfUFyY6M?si=-g5F55LB6jpGzvCQ before they played a Spanish salsa song on his organ: https://youtu.be/buRDe2TcmdQ?si=56j62rf2MlIgfwe9.
Their music transported us to a mariachi party in Costa Rica.
Everyone who was not cooking in the kitchen was dancing and eating nachos dipped with seven-layer dip brought to us by beautiful Latina women in yellow dresses with red and orange fringe in the castle ballroom and the large patio outside.
That, of course, was when Count Macrula’s cell phone began to ring. He sighed loudly as he took off his gloves, washed and dried his hands, and answered his phone. “WHAT IS IT?!” he shouted as though he were the head chef of a 5-star restaurant. He then put a fresh pair of gloves on his hands before continuing to chop the tomatoes at lightning speed.
“THE I.T OFFICE IS ON FIRE!” an equally loud woman shouted over the phone. “TEXAS IS ON FIRE!”
Count Macrula then started laughing his ass off as he threw his head back while continuing to chop the tomatoes as though he were a fruit-chopping machine. I could tell he was sick of working.
“I CAN’T QUENCH THESE FUCKING FLAMES. I ALREADY PEED DURING MY LUNCH BREAK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK TODAY!” the loud woman shouted.
“Not that I’m aware of,” Count Macrula said as he raised his eyebrow and began to chop the cilantro. “Morpheus, put this cilantro in the pico de gallo!”
Morpheus was summoned out of one of the pots of boiling pinto beans and was ready to prepare pico de gallo.
“Apparently, you will today. All of Gwinnett County is on fire! Hudson County in Texas is on fire! And we are short staffed!” the loud woman said with a sigh.
Count Macrula sighed. “Yes. Let me take my gloves off, wash my hands, and put a Dracula mask on. I’m coming all the way from Costa Rica, so it might take me a few minutes,” he said.
“Halloween’s over, you asshole!” the loud woman shouted.
Count Macrula hung up the phone and then screamed. The Vegan Chipotle Musical Cooking was done in a jiffy as a result. He moved time forward by an hour. Then he returned to normal. “Duty calls,” he said as he then flew out of the castle and had the face of Count Dracula.
Dietary Restrictions
“What if I told you that you forgot to consider those of us with high blood pressure?” Morpheus asked as he was preparing the pico de gallo.
Literally everyone stared at him. Count Macrula’s face appeared on the wall and just stared at him. He was trying to shoot death eye lasers at Morpheus, but his physical body was trying to fly back to the office in Duluth, GA before heading toward Amarillo, TX.
“How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story?” Count Macula, Jr. asked seven more times. He had a major malfunction.
“Eight,” Peter answered. “No meat. No other animal products. Low sodium. Low gluten. Low sugar. Real ingredients. No added hormones. And… limited avocado?”
“NO LIMA BEANS!” Count Macrula shouted as his pupils were balls of red and orange flame. He was the mirror on the kitchen wall.
“Wouldn’t that make it nine dietary restrictions?” Pauno asked as he brought low sodium chips, low sodium salsa, low sodium guacamole, and taco shells with no added salt down to the tables on the patio outside of the castle/restaurant.
“Yes!” Count Macrula shouted. The vibrations of his voice knocked down a bowl of guacamole.
Ants crawled toward the pile of guacamole with nacho crumbs and yelled, “Aye Caramba!” They were feasting like crazy as they dipped their chips in the guacamole. They were dancing to salsa music after a few bites.
“Goddammit!” Pauno said as he used more energy to create a table that only had bowls of chips and bowls of guacamole on it. This table happened to land on the white corn sands of the beach.
“Excuse me. Pauno? Can you bring down boiled peanuts and kidney beans flavored with taco seasoning?” Princess Lindsay Carrington asked.
Pauno danced to salsa music before raising his hands and shooting red, orange, brown, and yellow lightning to the heavens. He brought down buckets of taco-seasoned boiled peanuts and taco-seasoned kidney beans.
“Thank you,” Princess Lindsay Carrington said before she was snacking on those taco-seasoned peanuts.
“You’re welcome,” Pauno said as he continued to dance to rejuvenate himself.
Let’s Make Some Noise
Paul the Goat bleated and screamed into his cell phone that was clearly giving off massive amounts of radiation. “I’m at a party in COSTA RICA, JENNA!!!… I don’t know how I got here! I’m just here…. (sigh)… You have a trust fund…. You can go to parties… Why is it my fault the Bank of the Ozarks Credit Card isn’t paid off?!…. And?! It’s under your name!” he shouted as his blue eyes were bugged out of his head. He bleated for five minutes straight as he stood on the white corn sands of the beach.
Peter couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s why I ain’t EVER getting married,” he commented. He chuckled before he took a bite of his vegan taco mac.
“My marriage is fucked up sometimes, too,” Joebear said. He was mixing all of the ingredients of vegan taco mac together for anyone who wanted second or third helpings.
“Yes, you act ridiculous, too, Boo,” I said as I was cooking more macaroni. This box of macaroni was gluten-free.
“Pssh! Yeah, okay! You’re the one who almost added black beans to the taco mac last time and thought about forcing me to eat that shit!” Joebear said with a growl.
“Baby, I add all the ingredients together-” I started to say.
Joebear interrupted me with a growl. “No!”
“I say! May I please have an extra side of black beans?” Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London asked. He was a great prince whom I served on Sunday afternoons.
“Yes, you may!” Prince Carrington said as he served him a side dish of black beans.
“Thank you, kind man,” he said as he started to eat.
“You are welcome, kind sir,” Prince Carrington said. “I’m glad you made it here.”
Paul the Goat bleated as he hung up his phone before running to the table near the kitchen and adding refried beans to his vegan chipotle musical meal. The spirit of Colonel America remembered to make refried beans for people who like them.
At This Point, The Party Was Too Noisy.
Jaybird was trying to eat his gluten-free vegan taco mac in peace, but there was far too much bullshit going on for him to think. He chewed more quickly to distract himself from the madness going on.
Count Macula, Jr.’s face ended up on eight walls of the castle because it was the only way to handle what was happening in his castle. One of his faces ended up right next to the picture of the long lost cousin’s sister’s brother’s former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him. Count Macula, Jr. spoke in stereo. “WHY ARE THERE REFRIED BEANS IN MY CASTLE?”
“Because they are a Mexican food,” Pauno said. “They’re there.”
“I will allow it this time, but never again,” Count Macula, Jr. said in stereo 63 more times.
“Can someone please fix the stereo system? I’m really tired of this guy repeating himself. I really don’t find it necessary to hear the same thing over and over!” Jaybird said out of annoyance as he ate another bite of taco mac. He was vibrating from the sounds of Count Macula, Jr. repeating himself. To say that he was frazzled was an understatement.
Shit Caught on Fire
The computer Joebear just sat down at caught on fire and exploded because it also could not handle the repetition. “My frame feels fried. Time to go to bed,” he said as he stared at the flames emerging from the desk.
I laughed before I took off my gloves, washed my hands, and then went to hit the stereo system with a spatula.
Joebear rose from the computer chair with his bowl of vegan Chipotle taco mac before the chair also caught on fire.
The computer desk itself caught on fire.
Joebear left the common area of the castle and was ascending the stairs to go to bed while he was eating. “That’s horrible. I hope a firefighter comes over and fixes this shit,” he said.
“Fuck you. I don’t exist this week,” Count Macrula said as his face left the wall.
Pauno laughed. “Does anyone actually give a shit about refried beans right now?” he asked.
We all screamed in unsynchronized unison, “Yes! Why didn’t Chipotle Mexican Grill have them on their menu?!”
Princess Lindsay Carrington then added this food for thought, “Or more importantly! Why didn’t they advertise the All-Carb All-Vegan Gluten-Free Taco at Chipotle Mexican Grill? It would have a Corn and Potato Flour Tortilla, Wild Rice, Brown Rice, White Rice with Cilantro, Sweet Potato, Cauliflower Rice, Quinoa, and Whole Sweet Golden Kernel Corn. PEOPLE LOVE CARBS!”
Xara Nahara 