A/N: Thanksgiving holiday drama at its finest for the fourth year in a row
The Rock Fish in the English Channel was a complete self-centered, self-important, self-righteous asshole with no concept of how to be thankful for anything. He was 58 years old and 10 feet long and still hadn’t grown up or learned much of anything. That’s where being a Neanderthal who takes testosterone and eats 30,000 calories a day gets you. He isn’t any different from the rest of his Neanderthal family, really. In fact, he’s worse because he had plenty of time to know better.
Sure I felt bad for his head being a rock, but Kings Chocolate-covered Gummy Bears, Queen Nicole, the two Lindsays, the two Patches, King Bruce Ace, Queen Megen Ace, and I have been cooking Thanksgiving dinner for him for six days now. He could focus on what we are doing for him instead of his own self-centered, self-important, self-righteous giant head. It’s his own fault anyway. “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” is a dumb way to live. How about taking a few herbs, drinking carp and red, red wine, and actually sleeping?! And I can’t believe he needed to manifest a doctor to tell him the same thing I just did! I told him in more detail than the doctor/death dealer did. The Rock Fish became a complete idiot.
I am so sick of dumbass people and dumbass holidays around me. So naturally I flipped the fuck out. I told people six years ago that I was sick of this damn shit. I have cussed my mom the fuck out for six and a half years in a row, too. It turns out she was a spy for the French Intelligence Agency. So if this dumbass rock fish thinks I’m not about to blow, he is truly out of his fucking mind.
The cats named Patches hissed in stereo.
This is what the fuck I gotta say:
“Well, I’m dropping off the food in YOUR REALITY. I don’t have room in my reality for your stupid dumb fucking bullshit! AND I TOLD YOU THE SAME SHIT THAT DAMN DOCTOR/DEATH DEALER TOLD YOU BUT IN MORE DETAIL. YOU ARE REALLY PISSING ME OFF TODAY!
You are the most self-centered, self-important POS asshole I’ve ever fucking met in my fucking life!!!!!!!
I am going out of my way to make a nice holiday for you, and you COMPLETELY ruined mine over your stupid fuckass head!
Get it together and learn to actually be thankful!!!! You’re 58 years old and you’re still clueless about what being THANKFUL is or what the word fucking means!”
This is what the fuck the Rock Fish had to say:
“Wait a cotton-picking minute! When I woke up this morning, I found one of my quills in a stream of four miles of piss. I swam in it! That’s what sent me into a different reality. Calm the fuck down; I’m back to this reality.
These holidays gave me a headache, stressed me the fuck out. Calm the fuck down.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been called self-centered, self-important, and self-righteous. You forgot to mention self-absorbed, lol.”
The Kings Chocolate-covered Gummy Bears growled. “Please eat and shut the fuck up both of you. This is what the fuck I gotta say: Fuck these pointless scruffles, number 1. Now that we got that out of the way. Number 2, I hate these God-forsaken holidays. Nine years ago, there was an epic battle with over-cooked flaxseed brownies. I hated those evil brownies, Mama Bear’s malfunctioning oven, and my degenerate family. Every year, something fucked up happens. In 713 A.D., Mama Bear growled loud and walked the fuck out of the forest. We didn’t see her until a month later, around Saint Nicholas’s birthday. Number 3, All I want is for everyone to be thankful and shut the shut the shut the fuck up.”
“GIVE ME A BREAK! GIVE ME A BREAK! BREAK ME OFF A PIECE OF SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” I sang loudly.
“Thanksgiving is fucked without people being thankful,” the past Queen Lindsay said as she sat at the table with her royal maroon dress. “Speaking of fucked up, Patches is due for a veterinarian examination.”
The two cats named Patches meowed in slow motion. Their eyes were wide, and their mouths were open for a minute/minute and a half. They meowed until my ears bled.
King Angry Chocolate-covered Gummy Bear growled. “I’m never doing this again! Stressed me out! Drove to the grocery store, took 20 separate trips for everyone, spent 3000 gold for you assholes to start squawking bullshit. Don’t ask me to do anything again!” he screamed before he bleated.
Cody howled loudly to Swahili singing. The Hatari (762 A.D.) world joined us for Thanksgiving.
“Oh fuck not this bad theatrical performance!” Peter growled as he drank a shot of his Evan Williams and tried to manifest the Little Safari World from Toto’s ‘Africa’. “These holidays are too much. They are back to back at the end of the year. SEPARATE THEM A LITTLE!!!”
Then the song ‘Africa’ by Toto played in the background: https://youtu.be/qgbsuCCGQkE?si=Oh_7ad4ocOON9NYR
“Arga, where’s Missy?” Kurt asked as he jumped off his horse.
“In her room,” Arga, the Swahili houseboy, answered.
“Thank you. Get me some coffee, will you?” Kurt asked as he went to Patches’ room. The two calico cats shared a room.
Chef Vanilla Mac was swimming in the stream while I was on the other side laying down.
My happy King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear was howling fiercely at Kurt and Patches singing, “Whiskey, leave me alone! I just want to go home!!” Kurt, our Patches, and the angry King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear disappeared out of that reality.
Peter turned into a giraffe and bleated loudly.
I laughed and turned into a jaguar who looked like Patches. I started eating herb and garlic goat cheese.
Count Vanilla Manilla rested.
Queen Megen Ace was taking a bath, so naturally, I went to check on her.
“Ohhhh!!! Mamma Mia!” Queen Megen Ace screamed and stood up while covering herself with a wool towel.
I walked over and licked her right leg.
“HELLPP!!!!” Queen Megen Ace screamed.
King Bruce Ace rushed in and chased me with a chair. “Don’t move! Stand back!” he yelled.
I laughed and walked away playfully.
Kurt returned to this reality. He and John Wayne walked over.
“What’s going on here?” Kurt asked. “Patches, why is he poking you with a chair? Come on, let’s get out of here. You don’t belong here!” He pet me as he ushered me outside.
Xara Nahara 