“Patches! It’s time for your check up!” Lindsay spoke.
I wasn’t sure which Patches she was talking about, but the calico cat and I both meowed in concern.
“Come on. The veterinarian checks your vitals, tells us that you are mentally normal, and then sends us on our way,” Lindsay said.
“What if the veterinarian doesn’t tell us we are mentally normal?” I asked.
Patches the calico cat meowed and nodded her head.
“Then she’d be correct. Let’s go,” Lindsay said flatly. She picked up Patches the calico cat and took her into the carriage.
Meanwhile, I was abducted by an unidentified flying object and pulled up into it by a green glowing beam.
I growled proudly.
“Are you sure that you are Patches?” the leader of the green goblins asked me.
“Yes. I am named Patches, but I am not to be confused with the calico cat that is going on a carriage ride to the veterinarian with Lindsay,” I said.
“You are a jaguar named Patches?” a green goblin with bifocals asked me.
“Yes, if you can believe it,” I said.
“Stranger things have happened,” a green goblin with a squeaky voice said.
“Like what?” I asked.
Patches the calico cat meowed a song that sounded like something a siren would sing. She answered our question.
“That cat has a great singing voice,” the green goblin with a squeaky voice said.
Patches the calico cat sang, “Mmmmrrrrrrrrfrrrroooowwww!!” and the lights on the ship were blinking like crazy.
The Rock Fish was teleported to the ship. “Her voice attracts me. Wherefore is that cat?”
“She’ll be in the veterinarian office in a minute,” I said. “She does have a beautiful voice.”
After a few minutes, we were at the veterinarian office with other animals. Cats, dogs, and wolves howled. Patches the calico cat sang the soprano notes. I sang the tenor notes. We sang that we wanted to be left alone and wanted to go home.
We sang a song that sounded like this: https://youtu.be/nLKMVXJSaSk?si=WurDoakr3sAG3Dbr (WHISKEY, LEAVE ME ALONE.)
I was smelling the strong scents of the cats and dogs. Only whiskey would help us cope. Patches the calico cat specifically asked for whiskey because she wanted to quit smelling one particular stankass wild wolf.
The veterinarians actually passed out bowls and glasses of whiskey to everyone in the waiting room, including the green goblins and the Rock Fish. The stankass wild wolf drank a bigass bowl of whiskey.
I was drinking a ton of whiskey before I got called into the office. It was the only way to calm my jaguar ass down from being around all of those fuckass people and animals. I growled at the receptionist on the way to the nurses’ office because she was a fucking bitch. I hated how she did paperwork and had to say shit every time I was in that fucking office.
King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear walked in the office and heard me growl. “Stop cursing at the receptionist!” he growled.
The receptionist then gave King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear a bottle of whiskey. He asked as he took the bottle of whiskey, “Do you have wine?” He opened the bottle and drank some whiskey.
“Yes, but we’re singing about whiskey,” the receptionist said.
“I’m a Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear. It has to be wine. Look at my chart,” he said with a straight face. He drank more whiskey anyway because it was there.
The dogs and prairie dogs gasped. The Rock Fish had a heart attack.
Cody burst onto the scene and howled like hell.
Nugget burst into the office. “Sorry I’m late for my appointment. Is there any whiskey left?”
Joe handed Nugget the whole bottle of whiskey.
Nugget opened the bottle and drank as much as his little body could handle. Then he went outside, took a shit, growled at a squirrel, and then came back into the office.
The fucking bitch receptionist finally gave King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear a bottle of wine.
When I entered the examining room, I jumped on the table and fucking broke it. I growled at the table and laid on it while the nurse just stared at me like I grew three heads all of a sudden. Actually, come to think of it, my vision did get more panoramic since walking in that room. I felt two more heads near me, so I guess after breaking the table, I grew two more heads. Those aliens really did something to me, I guess.
Three doctors who each had three eyes walked in the room to examine my existence. Their guess as to what happened to me as good as mine. They asked me to open my mouth, and I opened three of them. Apparently, they saw some wild stuff because they screamed at me.
When they screamed at me, I was transferred to a jungle. Swahili music played in the background. Three witch doctors chased me with spears and stethoscopes. I grew two more sets of legs and fucking ran.
“Patches! Patches! Patches! Arga! Missy! Come here! We need to examine what happened! You each have giant heads. Patches has one body!” one of the black witch doctors shouted in a strong accent.
Patches the calico cat ran and meowed loudly.
Arga and Missy walked to the doctors, were examined, and then sent back to the wild with clean bills of health.
“Patches! You have two bodies. I stand corrected. I’m sorry about that!” the green goblin witch doctor said in a strong accent as he stood there with a spear. Then he threw it at her.
Patches^3 and I growled and threw some meows in there. Fairies were examining our ears and asking the witch doctors how in the hell were they going to fix this shit?
The witch doctors then chanted an ancient song to ensure our immortality. They also did a hopscotch dance. I felt the ear wax loosen up through the vibrations of their hopscotch dance. And then we were transferred to a psychedelic reality with cool tie-dye colors and Scooby Doo.
“SCOOBY DOOBY DOO!” a tan goofy-looking dog yelled at us while being surrounded by the MGM circle with rainbow colors. I don’t know how the hell that uglyass dog got a clean bill of health, but I guess witch doctors don’t give a shit if you’re ugly or not as long as you’re healthy. I guess they couldn’t fix ugly or stupid, and that dog was both.
We then saw the white seal from the 1975 movie. We were swimming with him.
“I think we’re healthy if we’re swimming with a seal,” Patches the calico cat said.
“We think so, too,” all three of my heads said simultaneously.
Cody swam with us and barked.
“When the hell are we getting home?” Patches the calico cat asked with a merp. She then said, “Merp.”
We were then transferred to Kansas in 1939.
“Was that the magic word?” Patches^2 asked Patches the calico cat.
“Merp,” Patches the calico cat answered as the white and black doctors poked at her and ran her diagnostics.
“She’s cute,” the doctor who looked and sounded like Cary Grant said.
We went back into the veterinarian office in 723 A.D. The doctors with three eyes then pet Patches the calico cat’s belly. She purred.
“Your cat is in good health. She swam the whole English Channel twice, dodged a spear we threw at her, and still has the ability to travel throughout time and space,” the three-eyed doctor with a strong Afrikaan accent said.
Lindsay tried to keep her composure. “I just wanted to make sure,” she said with a smile.
“Your jaguar is extremely healthy, however she is mutated. We need to do some experiments on her,” the short doctor with three eyes said in an Afrikaan accent.
“Nothing that requires vaccinations, right?!” my three heads shouted simultaneously.
“Oh no. We don’t need to make you even stranger! We simply want vitals so we can use you to help humanity,” the tall doctor with three eyes said in an English accent.
“That’s what they all say. Lindsay, I say we blow this popsicle stand!” my three heads shouted simultaneously.
Patches the calico cat jumped off the examining table that was not broken and walked next to Lindsay.
We the jaguar took a dump out of one butthole, lit the dump on the fire, and ran out of there.
The healthy animals and humans escaped with bottles of whiskey. The fucking bitch secretary and her co-workers grabbed the paperwork and bottles of whiskey and left.
Cody and Nugget were holding their charts in their mouths as they ran out of the exploding veterinarian office.
The green goblins and doctors escaped with their unidentified flying object.
King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear found the last bottle of wine in that office, barely escaped with his life, was partially melted, and then opened said bottle of wine and drank from it. He must have drank the other one prior to the office exploding.
We the jaguar went over and each took a bite out of our King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear.
“WHAT ARE YOU?!” King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear shouted.
All of a sudden, my King Chocolate Gummy Bear grew three heads, three sets of arms, three sets of legs, and grew to be 1200 pounds. They growled into the heavens.
“Time to get in the carrier!” Patches the calico cat announced as she, Nugget, Cody, and Lindsay got into the carriage quickly.
Prince Carrington jumped in that carriage quickly and screamed. “Patches, get in your carrier! Lindsay! DRIVE!”
The stankass wild wolf who was no longer stankass was running toward that carriage.
“You don’t have to tell us twice!” Patches the calico cat shouted. She entered her carrier that was lined with blue velvet and had a red cashmere blanket on the bottom of it. She then purred, closed her own door, and gave zero fucks about anything else.
Lindsay started beating the poor horses at the front of the carriage with the reins and screaming “YAAA!!!” repeatedly. Her eyes damn near bulged out of her head. The horses had clean bill of health, too. There was no bullshit involved with them.
Those poor horses ran like hell. The wild wolf chased them down quickly. A trail of fire followed him.
The four King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears, the two other heads attached to me, and I terrorized the whole forest because we were in search for popsicles since we kind of blew the other popsicle stand.
Xara Nahara 