While the King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears, my two other heads, and I were on the search for grape and cherry popsicles, the wild wolf continued to chase Prince Carrington and Lindsay’s carriage down.
Because the King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears, my two heads, and I were having trouble finding alchemists with popsicles, we figured Prince Carrington, Lindsay, and the wild wolf would know where the grape and cherry popsicles were. We followed the wild wolf. The wild wolf followed the carriage very closely.
“What is your business, wolf?! Are you hungry?!” Lindsay’s horse that was an Appaloosa with one brown eye and one blue eye shouted in a deep voice.
“If you do not state your business, I will shove my hoof where the sun doesn’t shine!” Lindsay’s other horse that was all black shouted in an Afrikaan accent.
“Midnight Shadow! You can talk!?” Lindsay asked in shock. She pulled the reins back.
The wild wolf jumped on top of the carriage. “Excuse me! Before we all go into shock because horses can talk, can I please return the gold pouch you left at the veterinarian’s office from running like hell from the explosive dump!?”
Patches the calico cat meowed.
“Oh shit, Sis. Did you leave your gold pouch again?! Are you fucking serious?!” Nugget asked with a series of barks that no one could interrupt.
Lindsay glared at Nugget as he barked. She was tired of his shit. She looked at the wild wolf. “Thank you. It was crazy. I ran out of there because I saw the bomb get lit. All I thought was ‘run for my life,'” she said.
“Keep it. I have plenty of money,” Prince Carrington said. “Thank you for your effort, though.”
“Are you sure?” the wild wolf asked.
Cody came outside to speak to the wild wolf. “Yes. Take the fucking money. We have other business to tend to in the morning. We have to figure out how to sell popsicles.”
“You have popsicles?” one of the King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears asked. “Cough them up. I got plenty of money!”
“Yeah, but they’re not in this carriage. They’re all the way in the mountains. It’s the only place they stay cold!” Cody shouted. He barked a strong bark for emphasis.
“Well, shit. You guys are going in the wrong direction. You’re supposed to head due north. You guys are going southeast for some reason,” the wild wolf said.
“Well, I don’t have the supplies for a long trek to the mountains. We have to head back to town to buy supplies. It costs money to make money,” Prince Carrington said.
“What do you do if you have no money?” my three heads asked in unison.
“Get fucked, but what do I know?” the wild wolf asked.
One of the King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears laughed uncontrollably.
“I agree,” Nugget said.
The King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear who had plenty of money stared at the King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear who was still laughing. Then he spoke, “All right. Let’s back to town, get the supplies, and sell the popsicles.”
Another King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear then chimed in, “Patches^3, let’s not blow that popsicle stand this time! Let’s not light a sixteen ounce chocolate milkshake on fire, please. I could do that myself.”
Patches the calico cat meowed within her carrier.
“Not you,” that King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear said.
“WHO IS TALKING?!” Lindsay’s Appaloosa shouted.
“King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear,” my three heads said. “He is being a grumpy bear. We only blew that popsicle stand because they wanted to extract my organs for quote-unquote the greater good. We weren’t going to stand for that, so we blew the popsicle stand up.”
“I knew that! Which King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear?” the Appaloosa asked.
“The smart ass one,” my smartass head said.
“Could I tell them apart?” Appaloosa asked.
“No!” all four King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears shouted.
“I have an idea. How about we change the chocolate coating of three of the King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears?” Prince Carrington asked.
The happy go-lucky King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear was okay with that. The other three growled.
“We can’t tell you apart, mon! How the hell do we know who you are? We got four King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bears and four Patches. I don’t know what the fuck is going on!” Midnight Shadow shouted.
“I didn’t know you were so assertive, Midnight Shadow!” Lindsay said in shock.
“You learn something new every day,” the wild wolf said.
The happy go-lucky King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear started laughing again.
“This asshole can stay milk chocolate because he looks like an asshole,” the grumpier King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear said.
“I agree. I guess we have to change the chocolate. I hope I’m not white chocolate. That shit is gross,” the smartass King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear said.
“Well, I’m not going to be covered in white chocolate. You can fuck off with that,” the angry King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear said.
“I’ll be covered in white chocolate. Fuck it,” the well-adjusted King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear said.
“Okay we solved that,” my three heads said. “Now we have dark chocolate and strawberry vanilla chocolate to negotiate.”
“That’s easy then,” the wild wolf said. “Smartass should be Napoleon.”
The smartass King Chocolate-Covered Gummy Bear was now dubbed King Napoleon-covered Gummy Bear.
Prince Carrington’s mind then exploded.
A bunch of boring purchases and shit happened after Prince Carrington’s mind exploded.
Some interesting shit happened, like half of us having identity crises.
The only truly well-adjusted characters in this part of the story were King White Chocolate Strawberry Gummy Bear and Patches.
My three heads were named Chocolat, Vanille, and Fresa respectfully. I was Vanille.
King Napoleon-covered Cherry Gummy Bear was the smartass. King Dark Chocolate Blueberry Gummy Bear was the angry one. And King Milk Chocolate Peach Gummy Bear was the goofy one who thought most things were funny.
While we finally headed toward the mountains north of us, Patches was the first one to speak.
“Excuse me, Lindsay. I must urinate and defecate,” Patches said.
“Whooaaaaaa!!!” Lindsay shouted at the Appaloosa and Midnight Shadow.
The horses stopped, but Fresa, Chocolat, King Napoleon-covered Cherry Gummy Bear, King Dark Chocolate Blueberry Gummy Bear, King White Chocolate Strawberry Gummy Bear, King Milk Chocolate Peach Gummy Bear, the wild wolf, and I kept going.
Patches opened up her own carrier and left the carriage. Cody and Nugget followed her. She hissed at them.
Midnight Shadow just took a big dump right then and there.
“I’d be tempted to light it on fire, but we kind of need this carriage to survive,” the Appaloosa said.
“Yeah… Let’s not light any more piles of poop on fire please, Magic Mirage,” Lindsay said flatly.
Magic Mirage nodded and ate. Midnight Shadow ate. Lindsay waited for Cody, Nugget, and Patches to finish their business. Cody and Nugget shook paws and talked about marketing strategies for the biggest popsicle stand that will ever be created.
“Wait. Cody’s not here. Do you know where the hell we’re going?” King Dark Chocolate Blueberry Gummy Bear asked.
“Fuck no,” Chocolat said.
“We probably should have waited for Cody to direct us,” Fresa said.
“JUST FUCKING GO STRAIGHT! It’s north! Are you guys that fucking directionally challenged?!” the wild wolf shouted.
“Yes,” every King Gummy Bear said except King Napoleon-covered Cherry Gummy Bear said.
“Are you kidding? We can’t navigate our way out of a paper bag!” Chocolat and Fresa shouted.
I could have, but no one ever fucking listened to me, so I just walked.
“Goddamn,” the wild wolf said. He started walking on his hind legs and then opened a bottle of whiskey. He drank from it to cope with my frustrating family members.
Magic Mirage and Midnight Shadow hauled ass to catch up with us. Patches meowed a battle cry.
We all joined in and ran forward.
A battle symphony played in the background as we climbed Mount Hijo De Puta. The locals cussed us out in Spanish. Lindsay ignored them as she drove Magic Mirage and Midnight Shadow up the mountain.
“Stay away from the edge of the mountain. I don’t really feel like falling off this mountain!” Lindsay called out to her horses.
“Neither do we,” her horses said.
So we trekked up the cold mountain trail, and King Milk Chocolate Peach Gummy Bear all of a sudden asked, “Why are peaches shaped like asses?”
“Who the fuck knows? What a stupid question!” King Dark Chocolate Blueberry Gummy Bear said as he walked up the mountain.
“It could be that the tree has an anal fixation,” King White Chocolate Strawberry Gummy Bear said.
“Probably,” Lindsay said.
Fresa giggled. I giggled as well to be honest.
“Oh my God!” King Napoleon-covered Cherry Gummy Bear said in exasperation.
Some locals were playing some Spanish country music.
The King Gummy Bears danced involuntarily.
Chocolat sang some lyrics about ass fruits, like peaches; nectarines; and plums.
“Are those going to be popsicle flavors?” Fresa asked.
Oh sweet Jesus.
King Milk Chocolate Peach Gummy Bear started to laugh uncontrollably. King White Chocolate Strawberry Gummy Bear chuckled and tried not to think about what was happening.
“Welp! That just opened up a can of worms I’m not ready to deal with,” the wild wolf said as he walked ahead of everyone.
“Yeah. I wasn’t expecting that, either,” Cody said as he jumped out of the moving carriage and caught up with the wild wolf.
“To be honest, peach, nectarine, and plum-flavored popsicles would be great ideas. Anyone ever thought about putting them between bread?” Nugget asked as he, too, jumped out of the carriage and followed behind them.
“It keeps getting worse,” Magic Mirage said.
King Milk Chocolate Peach Gummy Bear continued his laughter.
“What can we do? We gotta make money somehow,” I said.
After a day’s travel, we finally found the vault of popsicles Cody was talking about. It was glorious. There were grape, cherry, orange, strawberry, blueberry, raspberry, blackberry, cranberry, and potato popsicles.
“Potato? Why the hell potato?” Patches asked.
“It’s a good flavor. What? You’d prefer carrot?” Cody asked.
“We would!” Magic Mirage and Midnight Shadow shouted.
“Oh Jesus. Okay. Let’s brainstorm more flavors if we want these assholes’ money,” Cody said.
So, we sat and brainstormed flavors for a week and a half.
Xara Nahara 